moving forwards......

:) Its been a long while - check the :) !!!! lots has changed much more than I wish to write here!!! soooooooooo onwards and upwards a step at a time - A new blog is on the horizon :) watch this space!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A year to this day...

christ knows why I decided to sit and write again, its been a while, I don't know? so much has happened this past year but december - its hurting, really hurting, there seems to be a link to everyday, take today for example, bang on a year since his body was released back to me, as was the house, I remember going downstairs in the b&b and being greeted by the police, they gave me my keys back, I remember asking them to see him, to try and over ride the image he left me with but no, not possible, remember him as he was, well you see that's a fucking massive brick wall because all I see is the image he left me with, this year has been without a shadow of a doubt the hardest year of my life, and I hope it will be the hardest year I will ever have to face, my babies, you see they will always be my babies- have really made my heart burst with pride, there bravery, but then the really screwed part of me looks at them and thinks they deserve so much more than me, believe me this year more than ever, I have tried so hard, so hard to keep them smiling, but they wobble, just like I do, they wobble - I wobble, and I hate crying infront of them, I am trying to fix my screwed parts, but that's scary, honesty - honesty, that's a very big important word to me, always has and always will be, well I was honest with my doctor, really honest - didn't go down well and I still haven't found the courage to take the next steps, I still haven't found the courage to go back god only knows I need too, my babies need me..but - and the but is the problem....so much has changed, moved back to the mainland, got a job - not started, don't feel strong enough, cant bring myself to re-open the business, I don't know, then there's my new partner, hes amazing, I have literally known him all my life - we grew up next door but one too each other, but then I am pushing him away, I am poison you see - I must be, how do you get to 30 only having 2 real relationships? the first really abusive and then the second well yep, that ended well - not! you see I cant work it out, I cant.......life.....hell? self pitying very possibly - but right now I feel trapped in this big black hole I can't escape from - I just cant get out, christmas is another hurdle, jon was buried on the 18th december, less than a week before christmas eve, I cannot remember christmas day last year - I cant, why did he have to pick such a selfish time of year to push it too far? why did he have to do it at all? you see he could have spoken to me, he should have spoken to me - blank, blank, blank :(

Moving on

Well I haven't posted on here for such a long time I moved away from the island not because of anybody other than myself and really feeling I needed to be away for a while, it wasn't working and god only knows I tried, I miss my friends - my real friends, but in honesty the kids are so much happier down here, they have relatives around they can go and visit, they are all in new schools, one reason I guess I am writing this is I know you read it I am not stupid! As far as I am concerned people drift apart, people get hurt, people move on, there's no story to have any sides too! I have so much bigger things to deal with, please stop! It's really not called for! I don't even really know where it all went wrong but you guys should understand that my focus is my babies will always be my babies, it's really not nice to move away then still hear the jungle drums, let us live in peace, you still have your family your life up there embrace it, be happy

schools out for summer???

another HARD day, kids broke up for the summer holidays, I had to make the agonising decision to keep my son back for another year in primary school, as in all honesty he has lost the last 6 months of his education, it wasn't an easy decision to make, and hes being so grown up about it! but nothing could have prepared me for picking him up, so many tears connor & all his friends, the harsh realisation that his Friends are going to high school and he isn't .........he feels left behind :( now I feel totally, utterly shite..........its so hard being a mum, but let me tell you being a mum & a dad in this situation feels like hell on earth on days like today.............now theres long weeks ahead and its down to me to make summer special, thats not an easy task as everywhere on the island we have been, and I dont want the whole summer to be filled with 'we came here with daddy' .....its just not easy!!! its not easy AT ALL!!!!!!!! ........more positive news in that I am focusing on the future, opening a new shop in stornoway, I was sat on the windowsill in the shop yesterday thinking 'this is it!....this is the brighter future' ......and I know alot of people think I am bonkers, but for me, moving forwards seems logical, I am so scared if I look back I will fall to pieces, why the hell did he leave us like this? what did any of us do to deserve this? its hard, its so hard!!!!!!!!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I thought I had finally found some help.............wrong!

reasons to smile

no words, just happy pictures :D

building foundations...

Well I decided I need to really start trying to work on what happens in the future, the days seem to merge into one long stretch of time at the minute, my focus is trying to get some support to help the kids, help them deal with anger I guess, connor is very angry, and I guess he takes it out on me because he doesn't know what else to do, I love my babies with all my heart, some days are really lots harder than others, I have been hunting around to find any ideas that might help and stumbled across a fair few charities, all of which I have contacted, I also booked myself onto a 'widowed young' weekend, I hope meeting people who can really understand how I feel will give me a chance to deal with issues that I really cant talk to other people about, I feel it really is about time that things changed for the better, I am getting to the point where I feel I really am starting to push people away and I hate that, but I know I cant spend the rest of my life shut away..it wasnt my fault, I am also working really hard to get back into new premises and show the kids life really does go on, new chapters?