Just sometimes.....

I sit and I think, I think how much things are changing......fathers day yesterday, now that was a bit of a fuck up to be honest, the kids wanted to go to a beach down in Harris and send balloon's up to dad, now its not for me to say no, its for me to say 'yes we can do that' now they haven't asked to do anything specific like that before, maybe its a turning point for them? ...Well off we went in the evening, I wanted to try and catch a sunset for them, but me being me I went the wrong way, totally, ended up at a beach yes, but bosta beach, and the tide was in, so all we could see was a graveyard - this wasn't one of my best moments! however the kids did what they needed to do, me hiding behind my trusty sunglasses, you see if it gets hard then sunglasses cover teary eyes ;) I was so proud of them, they didn't cry, they really didnt even get upset, they wrote letters and tied them to the balloons at home, I didn't read them as to be honest I didn't want to, but I stood and watched them, they said they loved daddy, then came for a big hug.......not quite sure how I didnt fall apart but I didnt, I guess its because deep down I know my life is not in the past anymore, it cant be, I owe my babies a happier mummy and I know in myself somewhere I deserve better than to be hurting, he cant hurt me anymore than he did,no one ever could, so if keep thinking that NO MATTER WHAT I know the worst pain in my life is done ( I cant see me finding anyone else like that) then the only way is up? ..cliched but true,..but it doesn't mean blips don't happen, it doesnt mean I dont do silly things that I really know I shouldnt and then end up ashamed of myself for being so weak! .......
we all got back in the car and screeched and screamed down the hill at bosta, much to the hilarity of the kids...but you see they where laughing, smiling, singing HAPPY....... things are changing, slowly but surely...... as long as they are smiling I know deep down that somewhere I must be doing something right...and thats a step in the right direction...god only knows there are bloody big demons to slay yet...but for now we got through another 'first' the kids are happy.....