learning to live

I think sometimes its really easy to get sucked up in all the negativity, god only knows many millions of people in the world would wish for a magic wand or a time machine, for various reasons, but deep,deep down we all know that is never going to happen....we all say things, we all do things we don't mean, but some people push it TOO HARD...they move the goalposts and change every aspect of your life that you had become accustomed too I guess, you fall into a routine, normal things, boring things...but boring things that mattered at some point or other......

Fathers day is fast approaching, another one that I dont know what to do with, another kick in the teeth, its funny because when he was alive he said it was a con, an excuse to get people to part with there money, but he didnt complain on the day when the kids spoiled him.......hes never going to get that again and that was his stupid choice, but the kids......I cant shelter them forever, all I can do is learn how to work through things, hard things, my motto is 'everything will be ok in the end' .......its funny really because what If the end isn't ok?

what if we push people away because we dont know how to be 'normal'? we really want them close, but it hurts because we constantly over think things, we constantly read between the lines, see things that dont exist...you see I would love to be one of those happy folk that exist without 'problems' I would love to be carefree, I would love to be able to just find myself...but its not that simple..........nothing worth fighting for is ever simple......but I push the boundaries, damaged goods, ruined, fat, ugly, horrible, I am scared I am going to push too hard...I guess

And I would also love to be one of those people who didn't trust the wrong people, the word hate is a horrible word and there really are only 2 people in the world i hate, one who's gone, and the other well if there was a legal way I could get rid of him then I would in a heartbeat..other than that there is no one I HATE and if you have reason to think I hate you then you have a reason to feel that way through your own actions, not mine........

my life now, well its getting better....better........I hope, I feel it is, but deep down I am PETRIFIED i am going to fuck it up, hapiness cant be that hard can it? I hope not, I hope its as simple as it feels...........thats it I guess....onwards.......forwards......never back!

I am learning everyday that I can live, I dont need to worry about what other people think, but on the same hand it always matters to me what people think, thats just me, I am sorry for reading between the lines, I am sorry for trying to see things that aren't there.....sorry is a word I use a lot right now.........