firsts

this isn't an easy one...well non of them are easy lets face it..but firsts, march has been a month of firsts......we would have been married 8 years on the 5th march when i roll back to that day i said 'i do' i think he should of said 'i don't because i am never going to be able to really stop' but hey - ho such is life...
 then mothers day which has never been a big thing anyway, he never believed in any of that 'nonsense' but my wonderful friends sent cards/gifts off the kids, an absolute shining star taught my eldest how to make a cup of tea which he then went on to wake me with a brew & a cuddle..followed by a lovely day with the shining star & her wonderful family - see all these people will never truly realize just how much they help me!!
Then his birthday..he would have been 41 on the 15th...brought back so many emotions, on his 40th i booked 2 weeks at a beautiful house in fort william, with a hot tub over looking the mountains, making birthdays special has always been a big thing, i like to make a fuss over those i love...yet this year i was hoping & praying that the 15th would pass in a blur.....but nope, the kids remembered, my youngest came out of nursery with pictures and cards, questioning where we send them...now this is where it gets really hard and i get really ANGRY! I HATE this!!!!! and I hate him for ever making me have to deal with this......the emotions for the kids are so different, they will say things, do things that make it really hard for me, but they don't know that, they wanted me to make a cake, light candles, sing happy birthday...my immediate instincts inside me screamed yes i will make a fucking cake, then i will throw it at the nearest wall and scream my lungs out..but nope i couldn't, you see i have no choice but to listen, act and stay 'together' for my babies, they don't know what daddy did, and as far as i am concerned they never will...i want them to remember happy times, i don't want them knowing there b*stard of a father didn't even consider his family in his foolish games......

April is going to be full of comebacks! I need to get myself focused on work, I love my business and have worked way too hard to watch it dissapear....my heart just hasn't been there..but at the moment I am in a happier place and am throwing my energy into that!!! as long as my babies are smiling, theres a roof over there heads, food on the table.. then anything else is a bonus!! I am focusing on positives.. I do have a lot of positives in my life and there are folk a lot worse off than me..but it doesn't stop my wobbles, my 'life isn't fucking fair days!!' ..but they are getting fewer and farrer between...the next challenge that I know is really,truly going to test me is that wardrobe!! ..But i will wait until the kids are sound asleep and face it head on, I also need to try and work out how to use all his cameras, i made a promise to my son that i will teach him how to take photos, i dont even know how to switch them on!!! ...but anyway that wardrobe..once its done its done, it will be an angry job, a sad job, and a final job....everything must come to an end...no matter how sick that end is.....