One thing I am learning is that different people expect you to 'feel' in different ways, which can cause offence to people when you dont necesarily agree...this is a really hard lesson to learn let me tell you! and you certainly learn who your real freinds are, there is no rule book on getting over a death, but let me tell you even if there was, in the situation I am left in I would throw any rulebook on the fire......people say 'how are you today?' and theres no answer that covers everyday.....somedays I am happy, next day i am cross, everyday is different, things 'trigger' me I guess....like songs....take this for example..... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNpeK7sDLzE ...this song takes me back to sand street, the night before his funeral, it came on the telly, and I threw something at the telly and screamed 'its not fucking fair' ...I loved this song then I saw it on the christmas advert with the snowmen,then all I suddenly thought was its christmas next week you fucking bastard!!!! ...excuse my language! but you see normal little things to everyone else can mean I just need to run off and scream & cry.....theres just no rules!!!
I want my future to be happy, I dont want to spend my life draped in black crying in a corner, I am 29, I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!! and in truth I would not wish this on my very worst enemy in the world, I think it is one of the most selfish, self centred acts of sheer nonsense!!! I will never understand it, I will never rid my head of the images he has inprinted in my brain, but I will not play the big grieving widow for the next ten years to please other people...I just wont, and anyone who expects that of me well shame on you
It's not the same but I know what you mean about feelings, my Dad died nine years ago (cancer) and that's what my mum has done, just sat in the house and crying all the time, my life is over, I'm fed up of living etc etc , I think she won't move on as she is scared of what people (the relatives!) if shock horror, she gets on with her life! and I think people expected me to do the same.
ReplyDeleteIt's difficult to read this everyday so god knows what it's like for you.
Josie x x
well said Linzi!
ReplyDeleteLinzi, I simply do not have any words that I feel will be of any use to you but I admire your honesty and emotions and think you are a very brave, courageous woman. My thoughts are with you and your children, keep doing whatever gets you through xxxx
ReplyDeleteYou are THE bravest strongest person I know and rolling over and playing crying widow isnt you, neither should it be enforced upon you. Your children are your main priority and for them to have to watch you sit in a corner dressed in black crying is not the best thing for them let alone you! People can be too opinionated and for what its worth their opinions suck! We dont live in the 1800/1900s. Life does go on, not as it was, but it still goes on and all you ever have to do is be true to you and your tribe, everything else.....well it just doesnt matter xxx
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug, Linzi - I think of you often - you are a happy person and you will be again.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Jacqui xx
((((((((jacqui))))))) thankyou xxxx
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