that statement

well where do you even start? .....one of the social workers took me down to the police station then the officers took us into a room, asked me if I wanted the social worker to stay..I said no, it didn't feel right, so she went back to help with the kids, and left me with the policeman younger than me, I could tell he was anxious, he had some stupid panda eyed woman sat in front of him ready to cry at any second...he was lovely, he truly was..so calming, I remember it was very strange, how was he in the run up to the 7th? how had his manner been? did he seem normal? how was your relationship? had you been arguing? did anything seem different/out of place...so many questions, and all in my heart I kept thinking was why, he wouldn't leave his kids, he wouldn't leave his kids...I remember looking into that police officers eyes and saying with crystal clarity 'do you think he did it on purpose?' that poor officer, no one will ever be able to answer that fully, but he said in his opinion that no, he thought it was a tragic accident, he just pushed it too far.....but in truth I will never know......not much of that interview sticks in my head, but one point that really does was working through the day of the 7th, we got up as normal, he had coffee, sat checking the weather, i got the kids sorted and took them to school then came home and got ready for work, he drove me to work, ASKED ME NOT TO GO...I hadn't been well, my pots had been playing up, but I still went, you know something sticks in my head and maybe I should say it maybe I shouldn't, but this blog is honesty so its better out than in..it sticks in my head that when we moved here he didn't work, whenever we spoke about him getting a job it was a bog standard response 'when you have put financially into this house as much as i have,then you can complain at me to get a job' ...that sticks and it hurts, so i went to work, i asked him to nip to tesco and pick me up some strawberry water as I have to keep my fluids up, so he did, he dropped it at work, and told me to ring him when I was on a break, well I did, I rang him at 11.30am...he was fine, he said he was doing his weather, fiddling with his pictures, he said he loved me...the last thing he said.....then nothing.....you see that was the last time I ever did and ever will speak to him...what happened between 11.30 and 1.45 i will NEVER know...and by god that is as hard as hell, I go over again and again and again in my head was anything different...was i being totally blind? and i just hand on heart do not know......it felt like a lifetime that i was in that interview room, all the questions, i remember saying to the police officer that on the night of the 6th we made love, you know, we were normal, i gave him anything he needed anytime so why wasn't i enough of a woman for him? that poor policeman, but its true, i feel in my heart that i wasn't enough..yet the police, the doctors..they tell me over and over its a compulsion, its like being addicted to drugs, its not controllable, well i know one damn thing, i listen, i always listen, i have to listen its the way my adult life has taught me, listen and speak when spoken too, i listen, he should have told me he was doing what he PROMISED he would never do again, now I only knew about the clothes...thetas all I knew, and he begged me to stay..he promised he could control it, why did i listen? WHY? I am so full of rage and anger and hate towards myself...from one aggressive bastard to another man who didn't care, didn't think and by god he knew the risks!!!! ...the policeman called an end to the interview when I just could not get anymore words out, I could do nothing but breathe and cry, hot angry tears....how the hell did this happen tears? ...i remember those first few days all i wanted to do was run away screaming, jump into the sea, take my life you know, whats the point in me without him? my kids deserve better, maybe they need a new start away from both of us...and still i look at them and think its such a lot of responsibility on my shoulders....so much for one person, how do i deal with questions like 'where do we send daddies birthday presents?' well I am still not sure how but I am getting there, the kids are smiling, the kids are happy, that makes my heart burst with pride and push silly thoughts to the back of my mind! MY BABIES NEED MUMMY!!!