night one....

The house was effectively 'taken off me' he had to go back to the mainland for a post mortem and I couldn't have control back of the house until the post mortem was done just incase anything was missed..throws up a big problem, where do one mum and 5 little kids go? theres alot of us and we have no family up here...the psychologist, a really lovely man said he had sorted accomodation,i left the kids at school why the police brought me back to the house to get some stuff to see us through, I can remember the police just leaving the house with bags of 'stuff' as i arrived - i dont know what, and i dont want to...then i remember coming in, the back the door had been boarded, glass everywhere and I just couldn't think where anything was, the bags i packed where such a random mix of totally un neccesary things, then i went to my bedroom, stood looking at the door, i really don't know how i kept it together i was aware that i was talking utter nonsense and telling the police i was fine i just needed to get stuff...his jumper was lay on the bed, i picked it up but they said i had to leave it i couldn't take anything from our room..so off we went again back to school to get the tribe, the kids split between two unmarked police cars, with un uniformed officers..see they wanted to try and keep things normal..we were taken into a room full of toys, a strange building, a contact centre...one of my biggest triggers! so that was a nightmare in itself, the kids excited by so many toys....asking where beds were, well there were no beds, sleeping bags..donated by the territorial army, just two rooms, lots of strangers, lots of toys, me & my kids.....i cant explain how strange it felt...my best friend was coming to stay with us, for that first night, my family where travelling up, it all felt so surreal you know! ....the stranger went to get chips for the kids, sat them at the table, i'm trying so desperatly hard to wake up, just to go home you know, its not real, it cant be...a while later my best friend walked in with her youngest daughter & her partner..I guess thats the first time it really hit me..hes not coming back! ..the psychologist left, the social worker left....what a mess! its all I can think to say, I cant even remember most of that night....only over analysing things over and over, it must have been an accident, why did i stay? why didnt i leave? why did he beg me to stay? why did he make promises he couldn't keep? you see he was my safety net, he held me when i was scared, my whole life...in a nutshell...all the pain, all the nightmares, all the fears...well it felt as if i had been plunged back years..back in another contact centre, this time it wasn't because of any physical abuse....just mental torture, plain and simple, the image that man has placed in my head, it will never be erased...just another nightmare on a pile of nightmares...damaged goods thats what I amount too, damaged goods.