never knowing whats right or whats wrong

sometimes I cant blog as i cant physically put down whats going on in my jumbled up mind...at the front of my mind constantly is my beautiful babies and how much pain he has caused by leaving them, I honestly dont give a toss about me, I am a big girl, I can cope..hmmm, but the kids its hard, I catch myself looking at them when they are lost in thought and it honestly tears my heart in two...by doing what he did he has left them forever, he will never see them again, never hear them again, never teach connor photography - like he promised! he will never tuck them in at night, never give them magic kisses when they fall over, never see them grow up...he wont walk his babies down the aisle, he wont see his grandkids.....why did he have to leave my babies like this? I hate him, absolutely totally hate him....I keep sitting and thinking what happens when the day comes that they want to know how he actually died, they wont believe that he just fell asleep forever and i owe them more than a pack of lies....i sit and wonder what the hell i did wrong in a previous life to deserve all this, which yes i know sounds like self pitying bollocks but its how i feel rightly or wrongly....I want to have a happy future I want to be able to look in a mirror and not see a totally fucked up mess, i guess he took away any bit of confidence i built back up and i am trying so hard not to fall....some days i find myself totally pushing people away who do care, and thats hard, because inside i guess i feel im not worthy of being loved, a member of his family said i was 'very damaging' but that was before he died, thats another story,since he died the amount of people i thought loved and cared about us has plumetted dramatically which is hard, really hard, someone i thought was my best friend turned out to show her true colours and is now trying her best to turn the rest of the family against me - thats hard, but i have learned the fake from the genuine from the nosey!!!! deep down i know all i have is two goals is number one my babies to be happy, happier than ever...then second i want to love and be loved in return, without lies, without conditions and without fear....I am trying I am really trying on every level ....I wish I had a magic wand I would wave it right back to being 17, I wouldnt change my babies but the 'men' in my life would get nowhere near me....obviously thats not possible, never going to happen so I need to focus on looking forwards and not looking back....one of my daughters asked me if i missed daddy the other day and i blurted out 'no i dont miss him' that was a major fuck up, but if i could bring him back i wouldnt keep him......somewhere deep down in my knows that we all deserved better....