nothing

its funny i read other widows blogs and try to judge how i am feeling against those, and i realise i cant think the same, as i feel anger, he never left me anything to understand...if it had been natural i would have understood, if it had been suicide he surely would have left me a note, but no hes just left me to deal with the image,in my fucking clothes i mean thats really sick right???!!!!....this is what i cant understand and i re-run over and over again, when i found him that way years ago why the hell did i stay? why did i stay? the kids thats why - thats what a parent does right? they stay to make the kids feel they have a 'normal family'i wish i had the courage to leave but there was so much to deal with, burying my head in the sand and believing him was so much easier.....why? Its about time i grew a backbone, i should have realised it had started again, i guess when i think about it the signs where there, infact there was one time a few weeks before he wasnt answering the phone and i had a sick feeling in my stomach, but i came home and he wasn't doing anything, but he did start letting me go out in the evenings, whereas before he didnt let me go out,surely i should have realized something was a miss, i mean i know im thick but i cant believe i was that thick...if i had faced reality faced the truth my kids could still have there dad...it makes me feel sick, maybe it is me all along....i just dont know , i feel like a normal person, i like making people happy, i like making people smile.,.but maybe in truth im just incapable, if i was a good enough wife my kids would still have a dad.....if i was a good enough person i would have much more to show for my life, i dont know if its possible to push people away by trying too hard? i would go to work, come home, sort the kids, sort him, i was knackered, but i still kept trying, keep everyone happy linzi, keep everyone happy....you know in my life who has ever focused on keeping linzi happy? all i wanted was normality...but it was far from normal, far,far from normal.....I just want one real chance at being happy, one real shot at knowing what it feels like to be loved, so why do i feel so scared? im scared im going to fuck up again, im scared im going to do something wrong and suffer the concequences, my who adult life has been concequences, i didnt feel he loved me for a very long time if i am totally honest, we just went through the motions.....not love, not feelings, just motions rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh