stuff you

and that is putting it politely!!! ...How dare you do such a stupid selfish thing! how dare you let me find you like that, do you know I can barely sleep now? I see you hanging there looking like an idiot, I see me walking up to you screaming, slapping your face, trying to lift you, you stupid selfish prick, and you know what I keep finding your shit! I found the box hidden upstairs, I found your straps in the bedroom, and you know what I HATE YOU! I am trying so hard, so hard not to smash this house to pieces, how do i keep living here? you tainted it, you turned it black!!! theres someone else who makes me smile, much more than you ever made me smile, but I feel selfish, I feel I was already fucked when you 'took me on' now I am a wreck, trying so hard not to just give up, you had no damn right...absolutely non, non at all! if I could bring you back TRUST ME I would kick you away, tell you to fuck off...why did you beg me to fucking stay all those years ago? you knew me, you knew I have no strength, I cant fight, I cant argue, I just sit & agree....you should have been a man and walked away...well I hope you are happy! you bastard! you total utter bastard!

19 weeks

19 weeks today, its astonishing really, and I dont have much to say other than I am trying not to fall apart, not for me..but for my babies, for some reason its hurting like hell today, I have been running around keeping busy, but busy means interacting with normal families, and thats hard for me, when one of your friends is talking to you on the phone and says to there kids 'go ask daddy, I am on the phone' it kind of hits me all over again that my kids dont have a daddy...and I wish, oh i wish that people would stop judging me, a nice word is lovely, but a negative word sticks...thats all, i really am not in the best of places right now, hibernating with my babies over the weekend.....this will pass

nothing

its funny i read other widows blogs and try to judge how i am feeling against those, and i realise i cant think the same, as i feel anger, he never left me anything to understand...if it had been natural i would have understood, if it had been suicide he surely would have left me a note, but no hes just left me to deal with the image,in my fucking clothes i mean thats really sick right???!!!!....this is what i cant understand and i re-run over and over again, when i found him that way years ago why the hell did i stay? why did i stay? the kids thats why - thats what a parent does right? they stay to make the kids feel they have a 'normal family'i wish i had the courage to leave but there was so much to deal with, burying my head in the sand and believing him was so much easier.....why? Its about time i grew a backbone, i should have realised it had started again, i guess when i think about it the signs where there, infact there was one time a few weeks before he wasnt answering the phone and i had a sick feeling in my stomach, but i came home and he wasn't doing anything, but he did start letting me go out in the evenings, whereas before he didnt let me go out,surely i should have realized something was a miss, i mean i know im thick but i cant believe i was that thick...if i had faced reality faced the truth my kids could still have there dad...it makes me feel sick, maybe it is me all along....i just dont know , i feel like a normal person, i like making people happy, i like making people smile.,.but maybe in truth im just incapable, if i was a good enough wife my kids would still have a dad.....if i was a good enough person i would have much more to show for my life, i dont know if its possible to push people away by trying too hard? i would go to work, come home, sort the kids, sort him, i was knackered, but i still kept trying, keep everyone happy linzi, keep everyone happy....you know in my life who has ever focused on keeping linzi happy? all i wanted was normality...but it was far from normal, far,far from normal.....I just want one real chance at being happy, one real shot at knowing what it feels like to be loved, so why do i feel so scared? im scared im going to fuck up again, im scared im going to do something wrong and suffer the concequences, my who adult life has been concequences, i didnt feel he loved me for a very long time if i am totally honest, we just went through the motions.....not love, not feelings, just motions rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

f*ck it....happy lists!

right people do bucket list dont they...heres mine well to start with anyway

1.Make my babies smile everyday

2.Sort the house out - make it unique, and stomp on that one image..which means knocking down walls!

3. sort summer - this summer will be amazing

4. start a 'happy book' I am doing this tommorow..starting with our holiday, that was wonderful

5. dont look back!

6. travel with the kids, i want them to see different countries, different cultures, different ways of the world

7. sort the garden, its a bombsite when it could be beautiful

8. visit people who car/ people i havent met before who have been an impact in my life for years!

9. shake off the dead wood and focus on those who really do give a shit

10. have the biggest bestest birthday party the kids have ever seen - saturday 11th of may...my kids want a party they are gonna get a party!!

11.Turn 30 with a smile on  my face and more confidence in myself - life will begin at 30! my 30's will be awesome!!

12. Love unconditionally!

13. Learn - start an open university course, he stopped me, he cant stop me now!

14. Re -Open and re focus on my business

15. help others - i dont think theres any young widows support groups up here so i am going to start one!

16. the biggest one - smile everyday, because i have a lot to be thankful for!

never knowing whats right or whats wrong

sometimes I cant blog as i cant physically put down whats going on in my jumbled up mind...at the front of my mind constantly is my beautiful babies and how much pain he has caused by leaving them, I honestly dont give a toss about me, I am a big girl, I can cope..hmmm, but the kids its hard, I catch myself looking at them when they are lost in thought and it honestly tears my heart in two...by doing what he did he has left them forever, he will never see them again, never hear them again, never teach connor photography - like he promised! he will never tuck them in at night, never give them magic kisses when they fall over, never see them grow up...he wont walk his babies down the aisle, he wont see his grandkids.....why did he have to leave my babies like this? I hate him, absolutely totally hate him....I keep sitting and thinking what happens when the day comes that they want to know how he actually died, they wont believe that he just fell asleep forever and i owe them more than a pack of lies....i sit and wonder what the hell i did wrong in a previous life to deserve all this, which yes i know sounds like self pitying bollocks but its how i feel rightly or wrongly....I want to have a happy future I want to be able to look in a mirror and not see a totally fucked up mess, i guess he took away any bit of confidence i built back up and i am trying so hard not to fall....some days i find myself totally pushing people away who do care, and thats hard, because inside i guess i feel im not worthy of being loved, a member of his family said i was 'very damaging' but that was before he died, thats another story,since he died the amount of people i thought loved and cared about us has plumetted dramatically which is hard, really hard, someone i thought was my best friend turned out to show her true colours and is now trying her best to turn the rest of the family against me - thats hard, but i have learned the fake from the genuine from the nosey!!!! deep down i know all i have is two goals is number one my babies to be happy, happier than ever...then second i want to love and be loved in return, without lies, without conditions and without fear....I am trying I am really trying on every level ....I wish I had a magic wand I would wave it right back to being 17, I wouldnt change my babies but the 'men' in my life would get nowhere near me....obviously thats not possible, never going to happen so I need to focus on looking forwards and not looking back....one of my daughters asked me if i missed daddy the other day and i blurted out 'no i dont miss him' that was a major fuck up, but if i could bring him back i wouldnt keep him......somewhere deep down in my knows that we all deserved better....