schools out for summer???

another HARD day, kids broke up for the summer holidays, I had to make the agonising decision to keep my son back for another year in primary school, as in all honesty he has lost the last 6 months of his education, it wasn't an easy decision to make, and hes being so grown up about it! but nothing could have prepared me for picking him up, so many tears connor & all his friends, the harsh realisation that his Friends are going to high school and he isn't .........he feels left behind :( now I feel totally, utterly shite..........its so hard being a mum, but let me tell you being a mum & a dad in this situation feels like hell on earth on days like today.............now theres long weeks ahead and its down to me to make summer special, thats not an easy task as everywhere on the island we have been, and I dont want the whole summer to be filled with 'we came here with daddy' .....its just not easy!!! its not easy AT ALL!!!!!!!! ........more positive news in that I am focusing on the future, opening a new shop in stornoway, I was sat on the windowsill in the shop yesterday thinking 'this is it!....this is the brighter future' ......and I know alot of people think I am bonkers, but for me, moving forwards seems logical, I am so scared if I look back I will fall to pieces, why the hell did he leave us like this? what did any of us do to deserve this? its hard, its so hard!!!!!!!!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I thought I had finally found some help.............wrong!

reasons to smile

no words, just happy pictures :D

building foundations...

Well I decided I need to really start trying to work on what happens in the future, the days seem to merge into one long stretch of time at the minute, my focus is trying to get some support to help the kids, help them deal with anger I guess, connor is very angry, and I guess he takes it out on me because he doesn't know what else to do, I love my babies with all my heart, some days are really lots harder than others, I have been hunting around to find any ideas that might help and stumbled across a fair few charities, all of which I have contacted, I also booked myself onto a 'widowed young' weekend, I hope meeting people who can really understand how I feel will give me a chance to deal with issues that I really cant talk to other people about, I feel it really is about time that things changed for the better, I am getting to the point where I feel I really am starting to push people away and I hate that, but I know I cant spend the rest of my life shut away..it wasnt my fault, I am also working really hard to get back into new premises and show the kids life really does go on, new chapters?

do you feel?

sometimes it feels hard to breathe, I wish people would stop blaming me, stop hurting me, it wasnt me who made him do what he did, it was his game, his obession? I dont know, I never will know, but sometimes I wish It was me who wasn't breathing anymore..then I remember I need to be strong, I need to stay strong, i need to try harder

graduation.........

My little baby graduated from nursery today, I still have to get used to saying 'my' instead of 'ours' ..it was lovely, but pretty heart turning, another stark reminder of just how much that man left behind, my Little Sophie is 5 tommorow, the years have flown by...I look at pictures of when she was born, bang on 6lbs, little princess, back then things where so different........shes going to have an amazing day tommorow, and I WILL NOT fall apart, I cant, but I dont know, theres something about Sophie, shes so young...all the kids are young, but still I wonder what she will ever remember of daddy, if anything, when she is older? that man was a prick, and yet I sit again having to try and piece things back together....birthdays these year are the hardest, so much harder than words..............

my karma?

whoever you are 'anonymous' ..and no not you...the 'karma' one...if this is my karma then I thankyou for your kind words, and also thankyou to rot, have you not noticed me ignoring your comments yet? GROW UP! ...no one asked you to read this and quite frankly the world is ugly enough without another troll..so run along now....the playgrounds that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Just sometimes.....

I sit and I think, I think how much things are changing......fathers day yesterday, now that was a bit of a fuck up to be honest, the kids wanted to go to a beach down in Harris and send balloon's up to dad, now its not for me to say no, its for me to say 'yes we can do that' now they haven't asked to do anything specific like that before, maybe its a turning point for them? ...Well off we went in the evening, I wanted to try and catch a sunset for them, but me being me I went the wrong way, totally, ended up at a beach yes, but bosta beach, and the tide was in, so all we could see was a graveyard - this wasn't one of my best moments! however the kids did what they needed to do, me hiding behind my trusty sunglasses, you see if it gets hard then sunglasses cover teary eyes ;) I was so proud of them, they didn't cry, they really didnt even get upset, they wrote letters and tied them to the balloons at home, I didn't read them as to be honest I didn't want to, but I stood and watched them, they said they loved daddy, then came for a big hug.......not quite sure how I didnt fall apart but I didnt, I guess its because deep down I know my life is not in the past anymore, it cant be, I owe my babies a happier mummy and I know in myself somewhere I deserve better than to be hurting, he cant hurt me anymore than he did,no one ever could, so if keep thinking that NO MATTER WHAT I know the worst pain in my life is done ( I cant see me finding anyone else like that) then the only way is up? ..cliched but true,..but it doesn't mean blips don't happen, it doesnt mean I dont do silly things that I really know I shouldnt and then end up ashamed of myself for being so weak! .......
we all got back in the car and screeched and screamed down the hill at bosta, much to the hilarity of the kids...but you see they where laughing, smiling, singing HAPPY....... things are changing, slowly but surely...... as long as they are smiling I know deep down that somewhere I must be doing something right...and thats a step in the right direction...god only knows there are bloody big demons to slay yet...but for now we got through another 'first' the kids are happy.....

miserable......

Its been a horrible week, not gone a day without collapsing in a big heap, my health is causing me so many problems right now, its scary :( 5 kids and a poorly mummy is not easy.......trying to get stronger, trying to get better..but fighting a loosing battle, I feel like I am closing off from the world more...going into hiding I guess, I hope these feelings of horrible uselessness pass quickly.......I know there are people in the world who care, I just dont FEEL it right now, I just feel numb, numb and really sore......my body is sore.........but I guess I am still breathing, still here, should quit moaning.........self pitying why me? bollocks.........dust yourself off and take each day as it comes....such a cliche, maybe one day that next day wont come.

learning to live

I think sometimes its really easy to get sucked up in all the negativity, god only knows many millions of people in the world would wish for a magic wand or a time machine, for various reasons, but deep,deep down we all know that is never going to happen....we all say things, we all do things we don't mean, but some people push it TOO HARD...they move the goalposts and change every aspect of your life that you had become accustomed too I guess, you fall into a routine, normal things, boring things...but boring things that mattered at some point or other......

Fathers day is fast approaching, another one that I dont know what to do with, another kick in the teeth, its funny because when he was alive he said it was a con, an excuse to get people to part with there money, but he didnt complain on the day when the kids spoiled him.......hes never going to get that again and that was his stupid choice, but the kids......I cant shelter them forever, all I can do is learn how to work through things, hard things, my motto is 'everything will be ok in the end' .......its funny really because what If the end isn't ok?

what if we push people away because we dont know how to be 'normal'? we really want them close, but it hurts because we constantly over think things, we constantly read between the lines, see things that dont exist...you see I would love to be one of those happy folk that exist without 'problems' I would love to be carefree, I would love to be able to just find myself...but its not that simple..........nothing worth fighting for is ever simple......but I push the boundaries, damaged goods, ruined, fat, ugly, horrible, I am scared I am going to push too hard...I guess

And I would also love to be one of those people who didn't trust the wrong people, the word hate is a horrible word and there really are only 2 people in the world i hate, one who's gone, and the other well if there was a legal way I could get rid of him then I would in a heartbeat..other than that there is no one I HATE and if you have reason to think I hate you then you have a reason to feel that way through your own actions, not mine........

my life now, well its getting better....better........I hope, I feel it is, but deep down I am PETRIFIED i am going to fuck it up, hapiness cant be that hard can it? I hope not, I hope its as simple as it feels...........thats it I guess....onwards.......forwards......never back!

I am learning everyday that I can live, I dont need to worry about what other people think, but on the same hand it always matters to me what people think, thats just me, I am sorry for reading between the lines, I am sorry for trying to see things that aren't there.....sorry is a word I use a lot right now.........