A year to this day...

christ knows why I decided to sit and write again, its been a while, I don't know? so much has happened this past year but december - its hurting, really hurting, there seems to be a link to everyday, take today for example, bang on a year since his body was released back to me, as was the house, I remember going downstairs in the b&b and being greeted by the police, they gave me my keys back, I remember asking them to see him, to try and over ride the image he left me with but no, not possible, remember him as he was, well you see that's a fucking massive brick wall because all I see is the image he left me with, this year has been without a shadow of a doubt the hardest year of my life, and I hope it will be the hardest year I will ever have to face, my babies, you see they will always be my babies- have really made my heart burst with pride, there bravery, but then the really screwed part of me looks at them and thinks they deserve so much more than me, believe me this year more than ever, I have tried so hard, so hard to keep them smiling, but they wobble, just like I do, they wobble - I wobble, and I hate crying infront of them, I am trying to fix my screwed parts, but that's scary, honesty - honesty, that's a very big important word to me, always has and always will be, well I was honest with my doctor, really honest - didn't go down well and I still haven't found the courage to take the next steps, I still haven't found the courage to go back god only knows I need too, my babies need me..but - and the but is the problem....so much has changed, moved back to the mainland, got a job - not started, don't feel strong enough, cant bring myself to re-open the business, I don't know, then there's my new partner, hes amazing, I have literally known him all my life - we grew up next door but one too each other, but then I am pushing him away, I am poison you see - I must be, how do you get to 30 only having 2 real relationships? the first really abusive and then the second well yep, that ended well - not! you see I cant work it out, I cant.......life.....hell? self pitying very possibly - but right now I feel trapped in this big black hole I can't escape from - I just cant get out, christmas is another hurdle, jon was buried on the 18th december, less than a week before christmas eve, I cannot remember christmas day last year - I cant, why did he have to pick such a selfish time of year to push it too far? why did he have to do it at all? you see he could have spoken to me, he should have spoken to me - blank, blank, blank :(