fuck you

I am cross, I need to switch off, I need to stop hurting myself, i need to calm down...you wanker :( you total utter WANKER!! and yes swearing isnt very ladylike, but if you treated me like a lady then you would have thought of ME and the impact it would have in My life finding you there just like a fucking woman...I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY THE FUCK ME???????????????????????/ YOU SELFISH SELFISH MAN!!!!

making new memories

Well we made it through May!!! ....thank god!!! two birthdays, two more 'firsts'....I took the tribe away this week, they had a great time...I kept smiling, life feels hard, but at the same time I am achieving so much that I never thought that I could, even simple things like driving a long way is a first for me, taking the kids away on my own is a first, it was hard especially on days out, 'normal' families, you know a mum & a dad, now I know that 'normal' doesn't really exist but still everyones normality is different! One thing I am really learning is the amount of people who are only here for me when there is a gain out of it for them, now I wont go into specifics on here..except I need to get A LOT stronger!!! although it might not look to others like I am trying to get stronger I really am!! I get up everyday and paint on my smile, its easy to paint it on, its not as easy to hold my hands up and say somedays I just cant cope! some nights I go to bed and see him, it makes me angry as hell.....6 months have passed this week, if I look back to who I was 6 months ago to who I am today I really do see 2 different people, I am finding a 'new me' slowly but surely...hopefully a happier than Linzi has ever been Linzi, but time will tell, my bad days are my battles at the minute, stupid things I need to stop...but I will, because I know I can, lots of my friends keep saying write a book, not just on what happened, but I do feel there is a big 'hush,hush' over the extremes that some people will go to for sexual gratification, which is what he died from when all the bullshit is cut out... to be 29 to go from one very abusive relationship to another with someone that I feel I didnt know is hard, but I am still here, I am still breathing, and one day I will be able to stand up and help other people work through pain, I have started writing that book, rolled right back to being 17, having my son, that 'man' ....its going to take a long time, but I feel in someway by writing things down I am dealing with my demons....if I could roll things back I would not change my babies for the world, and for that very reason they will ALWAYS remain my focus! One day I will have to look deep into there eyes and tell them the truth, the whole truth and by then I hope I will have beaten ALL my demons and be strong enough to help them with theres....as in truth they have demons, they just havent met them yet and as long as I live & breathe I will never forgive Jon for that...WE DESERVED BETTER!!!

Back to the memories...happy times ...............

these pictures make me smile..they also tug at my heart strings because is rams home to me how much he has left behind in the kids, they are beautiful, amazing little people who he will never watch grow up...such a stupid man!! 

the last rather random picture is my 'wall of inspiration' it keeps on growing! some folk think it looks a mess, but to me each & every thing on that wall has a meaning...a focus....happiness! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

letting go....

Its funny because yesterday one of my facebook statuses read.... and for my next trick.....i am going to let it all out, then say fuck it, no more tears....no ones going to hurt me anymore! .....I have a holiday to pack for! .............. 

I think I took it literally as last night was a total meltdown, and I am not ashamed to admit it! Its going to happen from time to time....but less and less as time goes on until eventually I have nothing left to get angry about! I said stupid things that made people I love worry yesterday, which I meant at the time but I meant them out of anger....I look at my 5 beautiful babies and think its so unfair! but each and everytime I think its so unfair I also think its up to me to fix things, turn unfair upside down and keep them smiling! its is very quickly creeping towards 6 months, half a year...and yes its strange, but out of strange is creeping a happier Linzi again, so I apologise to people who I worried yesterday, in life we all have 'blips' but in all honesty I have alot of reasons to remain breathing, as painful as it gets from time to time, all I need to do is sit and think of all the positives................ 

1. first and foremost my beautiful babies

2. my wonderful amazing friends/family including a very special friend!!! - very lucky girl I am

3. I think the fact that I am still here is a positive as the darker moments where it would have been so easy to just give up haven't defeated me - and no matter what they wont! 

4. we do live in a beautiful place with beautiful beaches and clean fresh air

5. my house is my house....I WILL make it my HOME again...its just going to take time!! 

6.I have learned that trust should be earned, not just given..a harsh lesson but a positive one as it makes me look in the mirror and really think I need to toughen up! 

7. I can drive past the graveyard with the kids in the car now without getting into a blind panic about anyone asking questions - a random positive I know, but I havent taken the kids there, and I wont, which is my choice, my decision and it feels right right now

8. I am planning an amazing summer, new memories, happy memories, lots of smiles, lots and lots and lots of love!!! 

9. may be the bottom of my list but its not the least positive infact its the hardest positive to accept yet the one I really really need to focus on....it is possible to be happy & to be loved without rules, restrictions, constantly feeling your not doing right for doing wrong! ...love unconditionally really does exist! 

10. Life is for living, not for mourning what has passed, thats a positive for me, god only knows there are alot of people who expect me to live my life in black and sit falling apart in a corner, but thats not me, I am choosing to live my life!!!! 

you see BETTER times ahead Linzi....better times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

reasons to smile..........

I am trying to be more positive,there are alot of people alot worse off than what I am, I have a lot to be thankful for! life throws crap at you so you can focus on getting through, coming out the other side a better, stronger person! I am done with people who only need me when they want something, I am focusing on the people who really do care because I know I love and care for them in return with no conditions, no rules......

I am taking the kids for an adventure tommorow first time I have ever driven so far just me & the kids..I feel nervous but I shall do it!!!! ....
we got through birthday number one....we had an AMAZING party, all down to some amazing people that helped me so much! ....now birthday number two is on tuesday, my only son...hes turning 12......that makes me feel old!!!!!!!

So through all the crap there are lots of positives, keep looking for those rays of sunshine Linzi ..........................

the simple truth............

I am seeming to be having a hard time with this house at the minute, its feels in a sense like a prison I guess...and yes I know how extreme that sounds, but I find myself just feeling trapped..I thought I had come up with a master plan, rent this place then rent a new place with the money, but I cant...it would become a taxable income, I am self employed too so I know it wouldn't work out, so here I stay....my only option is to change the place, knock down walls, re structure, but its so strange, at 29 god only knows I know I am lucky that these walls cannot be taken away, no mortgage, no debts, no nothing...but that's just it, no nothing....no nothing but pain here...so it NEEDS to change, I need to focus.....that's my next step...... accepting that what happened wasn't my fault is another step I need to focus on, that's not so easy...I KNOW I couldn't have changed what I didn't know, but I know I could have changed my decision to stay.....then I get stuck in a vicious circle, I hate me, I blame me, I hate me, I blame me..see! when in truth total truth I found the man I thought was my 'husband' hanging on the back of my bedroom door, in my clothes, with some twisted way of how he had done it, wires, padlocks....how? and you know I keep thinking my clothes? why? padlocks..why? ....and the policeman interviewing me asking me to describe what he was wearing, asking me if that was everything...well it was everything I could allow myself to remember... did I see he was wearing a bra? HE! HE! HE! ....no I didn't see, or at least I didn't register it if i did...so you see that's the TRUTH... the plain simple nitty gritty, the what 'HE'  did, the how 'HE' left me.............I wish people would stop, think & listen TO ME rather than rumours, knock on my door...ask me what HE did, don't spread lies & bullshit, because it was NOT SUICIDE..it was recorded as accidental death, his sick, twisted game was not meant to be a 'way out of a bad marriage' god only knows we had no perfect marriage, who does? he didn't love me, I know that in my heart, I lived that everyday but I still stayed! my choice, for my children....you see everything I do I do with my children's best interest at heart, the decisions I make I never make without considering them first, so now why people are running around banging on there jungle drums..bang this....ITS MY LIFE! MY CHOICES! MY DECISIONS....judge someone else for a change!

pain

it just hurts to think, it hurts to breathe, life just hurts :(

Blame

Blame is a funny word...I sit and think, didn't I show him enough that I loved him, I told him everyday I loved him, I don't know maybe I was trying to convince myself when deep down I knew things where wrong, we didn't have a normal relationship, not that normal is even normal...but you know I can sit and say what I like because hes dead and therefore cannot argue anything, but in truth this blog I guess helps because I can be honest, I can vent and rage, and speak unspoken truths, not meaning to cause pain to anyone but to help me...... I keep thinking we moved here so that we could give a better life to the kids, more freedom, more stability...now its all ripped away! and who do i blame? you want me to be honest? I blame ME! and why? because I SHOULD have had the bottle to go, that first time I should have gone, the second time I should have run for the fucking hills....but I didn't so its my fucking fault I let him hurt us, I cant get that image out of my head, its there, its always going to be there, me slapping him, shouting at him to wake up, stop being stupid is always going to be there, and the fact what he had done was so complex, so thought out, its always going to be there, if it was a rope the knife would have gone through no problem,he was still warm when I touched his skin,he wasn't cold if it was rope maybe he would have survived but on the other hand maybe the last thing he heard was me screaming at him,me slapping him, why the fuck was he doing it??!!??! he must have known if it went wrong A.. i would find him and B..i would be stuck here, I cant get out of this house! I cant sell it and move as I wont be able to buy a 4 bed detached house in a quiet area for what I get for this in a million years!!! I cant realistically rent as there are too many rules/regs I dont understand, so I have to stay here! it feels like a really cruel parting shot! I can dream one day I will win the lottery but its never going to happy, I know the fact that these four walls are mine mortgage free is a really good thing in this day and age, but I would happily run away screaming..infact I nearly have! ....sometimes its hard to breathe, I have let the kids have a total free run since he died and now getting any level of control over the house just isnt happening, I dont have the energy to battle, and to be honest I want the kids smiling and nothing else...but when is it going to get easier? these walls feel suffocating, I cannot sit in the living room on my own in the evenings I just cant do it, which is strange, but the more I think of it when I found him he was the living room side of the door...the bedroom is off the living room, we knocked a wall down just before he died, now I would give anything to have that wall back, seperation, difference...its strange, the kids go to bed, I go to bed, watch utter crap on the telly in the hope I just conk out...its no fun.....why did i not accept that things wern't right? well thats another thing, jon saved me, my life before jon was horrendous, no one should have to live in a refuge with a small child, no one should have a second child through no choice of there own, jon saved me, but now in a cruel twist of fate he has left me trapped in a house I cannot escape! ....why me? I must have been a total bitch in a previous life because I tell you now karma is kicking me like a bitch...just fuck off and leave me alone, give me a break, let me breathe!

make or break may

well 5 months has flown by, I was dreading may, its the start of the birthday season, everyone says the 'firsts' are the hardest, and I cant really put properly into words how much it hurts inside, my babies never,ever deserved this..they don't deserve birthdays with no sign of daddy, it makes me so angry...total meltdown in the card shop, trying to find a daughter card, every one seems relevant to be from mum & dad, everyone another stab in the heart, I think people mistake my tears as missing him, they couldn't be further from the truth, my tears are for my babies, little things normal families take for granted you know, simple little things like i love you, my amber our second youngest was closest to daddy, he called her his golden bear, and I can see in her eyes shes hurting, and I cant fix it! I am dreading monday, Amy is 10 double figures for my beautiful princess, but last year she was 'our' beautiful princess, the dynamics of EVERYTHING have changed, and I throw my hands up and say I am not managing may at all, its only the 4th :( I feel like I am walking blind into unknown territory, everything rests on my shoulders...everything is so much harder than it used to be, I am trying so hard to sort childcare to go back to work but I am just hitting brick walls, I have re-opened the business but juggling the business with looking after the kids and the house is another challenge I have to get used to, the house is a tip, I am trying to sort it, but again little things, I was sorting the girls rooms and found a letter 'I hate daddy because mummy cries every night now when she thinks I dont know' ...how do you fix that? its just not fair!!!! I just want may to fuck off in one sense, but the other hand I am focusing on giving the kids the best birthdays ever! we are having a massive party next weekend, a joint party for amy & connor..I am focusing on that, but monday is my biggest hurdle yet, I cant think about monday without crying, christ knows how but I will stay strong and I wont fall apart in front of the kids......I never ever dreamed my life would be like this, I never dreamed anyone would hold that much power in my life that it would even be possible to fuck up so much!! I wish I could rewind the clock and be stronger all those years ago, I would be a stronger person and walk away the kids would still have a dad! I keep having the same nightmare over and over too, its me on that door, i dont know how i got there but i cant breathe,and the kids find me,i wake up in a mess, it feels so real, i hate it, i know hate is a strong word but its how i feel...please invent a magic wand, or a time machine, just something, anything to make things different...i would be forever in debt to you!