rules on feelings

One thing I am learning is that different people expect you to 'feel' in different ways, which can cause offence to people when you dont necesarily agree...this is a really hard lesson to learn let me tell you! and you certainly learn who your real freinds are, there is no rule book on getting over a death, but let me tell you even if there was, in the situation I am left in I would throw any rulebook on the fire......people say 'how are you today?' and theres no answer that covers everyday.....somedays I am happy, next day i am cross, everyday is different, things 'trigger' me I guess....like songs....take this for example.....    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNpeK7sDLzE  ...this song takes me back to sand street, the night before his funeral, it came on the telly, and I threw something at the telly and screamed 'its not fucking fair' ...I loved this song then I saw it on the christmas advert with the snowmen,then all I suddenly thought was its christmas next week you fucking bastard!!!! ...excuse my language! but you see normal little things to everyone else can mean I just need to run off and scream & cry.....theres just no rules!!!

I want my future to be happy, I dont want to spend my life draped in black crying in a corner, I am 29, I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!!  and in truth I would not wish this on my very worst enemy in the world, I think it is one of the most selfish, self centred acts of sheer nonsense!!! I will never understand it, I will never rid my head of the images he has inprinted in my brain, but I will not play the big grieving widow for the next ten years to please other people...I just wont, and anyone who expects that of me well shame on you

wherever you are

I hope you are happy, would you like to tell me how i deal with everything now? its supposed to be parents evening again, the kids brought there folios home again, and guess what...you know on what makes me sad? well on each of the kids answer 'daddy dying makes me sad' ....aren't you a FUCKING HERO!!! you know I wish I could see you now, just to slap you extremely hard and tell you to FUCK OFF! come back and make the kids better, tell them you haven't trashed there futures, explain to them that you didnt love any of us enough to be a normal husband, a normal dad!!!!!! its a good job I cant get down to your grave now..I would be kicking you.......I am really not happy with you AT ALL! total moron!!!

firsts

this isn't an easy one...well non of them are easy lets face it..but firsts, march has been a month of firsts......we would have been married 8 years on the 5th march when i roll back to that day i said 'i do' i think he should of said 'i don't because i am never going to be able to really stop' but hey - ho such is life...
 then mothers day which has never been a big thing anyway, he never believed in any of that 'nonsense' but my wonderful friends sent cards/gifts off the kids, an absolute shining star taught my eldest how to make a cup of tea which he then went on to wake me with a brew & a cuddle..followed by a lovely day with the shining star & her wonderful family - see all these people will never truly realize just how much they help me!!
Then his birthday..he would have been 41 on the 15th...brought back so many emotions, on his 40th i booked 2 weeks at a beautiful house in fort william, with a hot tub over looking the mountains, making birthdays special has always been a big thing, i like to make a fuss over those i love...yet this year i was hoping & praying that the 15th would pass in a blur.....but nope, the kids remembered, my youngest came out of nursery with pictures and cards, questioning where we send them...now this is where it gets really hard and i get really ANGRY! I HATE this!!!!! and I hate him for ever making me have to deal with this......the emotions for the kids are so different, they will say things, do things that make it really hard for me, but they don't know that, they wanted me to make a cake, light candles, sing happy birthday...my immediate instincts inside me screamed yes i will make a fucking cake, then i will throw it at the nearest wall and scream my lungs out..but nope i couldn't, you see i have no choice but to listen, act and stay 'together' for my babies, they don't know what daddy did, and as far as i am concerned they never will...i want them to remember happy times, i don't want them knowing there b*stard of a father didn't even consider his family in his foolish games......

April is going to be full of comebacks! I need to get myself focused on work, I love my business and have worked way too hard to watch it dissapear....my heart just hasn't been there..but at the moment I am in a happier place and am throwing my energy into that!!! as long as my babies are smiling, theres a roof over there heads, food on the table.. then anything else is a bonus!! I am focusing on positives.. I do have a lot of positives in my life and there are folk a lot worse off than me..but it doesn't stop my wobbles, my 'life isn't fucking fair days!!' ..but they are getting fewer and farrer between...the next challenge that I know is really,truly going to test me is that wardrobe!! ..But i will wait until the kids are sound asleep and face it head on, I also need to try and work out how to use all his cameras, i made a promise to my son that i will teach him how to take photos, i dont even know how to switch them on!!! ...but anyway that wardrobe..once its done its done, it will be an angry job, a sad job, and a final job....everything must come to an end...no matter how sick that end is.....

the funeral

Well this was never going to be an easy post...the police had moved us to a b&b after being in the contact centre, then moved to a refuge, it was really taking its toll, i wasnt in a good place at all, the police where amazing i have to say, we all got to the b&b and all stayed on the top floor out of the way yet with the comfort of having a shower...it was so surreal, the first morning there I had been for a walk to clear my head and got back to find the police waiting for me, the post mortem was done, nothing un expected so I was handed my keys back and told that my husbands body had been released back to me i needed to contact the funeral directors....well i didnt want to, it was as plain and simple as that, i didnt have a clue what to do/ where to start / just kept thinking this should not be my job, i shouldn't have to do this....

in the end the headmaster from school arranged for a chaplain to come and see me at the b&b....my family took the kids out so i could talk to him on my own, well in truth i didnt say much to the chaplain, what do you say? he was a lovely man, calming, listened to what i did have to say..which i honestly can't remember...he left then a few mins later rang to say which day the funeral would be.....i told people then a lovely friend rang and stopped me in my tracks, talked to me openly & honestly about the funeral i had booked, she said to change it..it would be more fitting, so thats what i did, i changed his funeral to the salvation army, i went to see the lovely man there, arranged a song..now how do you pick a funeral song? i also said it would be me that spoke at the funeral, i was his wife, it was my job to speak as i knew him, well i thought i knew him...so that was changed, the date was set.....next stop outfits, now what the hell do you buy for a funeral? i didnt want black, i remember looking very lost in the shop and an assistant asking if i was looking for a christmas party outfit..if only :( i told her very matter of factly that no i was looking for something for my husbands funeral...that wasnt very nice of me, but there just wasnt anything else i could say...i eventually decided then went back to the kids, they where happily playing on just dance, it was so good to see them having fun, they will never realise how much there smiles & laughter pull me through bad days.

the kids i had decided where to young to go to daddys funeral, i hadnt been to see him, i was advised against it, so i didnt want my kids having a lasting image of however i would be the minute i saw that coffin...well now i know i made the right decision.

the morning of the funeral was beautiful, everywhere was icy & white, it was freezing cold but the sun was shining so it really did make everything look like it was sparkling.....i dont believe in signs, or anything like that, but i was comforted a bit by just how beautiful that morning looked...having a shower and getting dressed, i remember sitting on the floor just telling myself over and over and over 'you can do this' ..i didnt want my babies to see my crying, i was just going saying a happy goodbye, sleep well...not a bad one....it was by far one of the hardest moments of my life walking into the room with the kids and trying to hold everything together that day, but i did..i didnt fall apart...not yet....i told the kids i loved them and i wouldnt be long....

walking into the salvation army, well that image..that coffin, i had said no flowers, he didnt like flowers, but i had ordered a heart off the kids in roses, and i had taken a picture of us on our wedding day and the new picture of all 5 of our tribe together so he wouldnt be buried on his own...that coffin, it wasnt very big..i didnt know what i really expected, but i remember telling him he was stupid & selfish...i couldnt stay in that room, so went next door, i could hear voices, the room filling up...i could feel myself shaking it was horrible, a physical pain...then it was our turn to go back in, the hall was full, so many people came to pay there respects...i dont know how i got through, there was a prayer, a hymn was sang then it was my turn to speak, i hadn't written anything down, i thought i would speak from my heart, but i honestly did not know if my legs would hold me up...i said when we moved here he always said he had found his heaven on earth, he loved lewis, he loved everything about here and we moved here to be happy & bring up our kids in heaven..well i cant really remember much else, i kissed his coffin and went to sit back down...the rest of the service passed in a blur, then it was time to go to bury him....the funeral director was lovely, took us to the car, told us it would be ok, did i feel strong enough to go to the graveside...well i had to, i had to see the final i guess...i remember walking over and looking into that dark hole..why do they put straw in the ground? then he arrived....i cant even put into words how that felt...his coffin being lowered into that hole in the ground...our pictures on top of him, it will never leave me..i remember saying really loudly that he would get cold, its too cold down there..how daft is that??? then throwing soil on him telling him to sleep well and keep our babies safe.....I really cant remember much of anything else that day....but somehow i got through it...you know life seems so very unfair sometimes......very unfair!

statement number two

there was another statement, well there where a few more 'interactions' with the police, I had to sign a press release..now that angered me! it wasn't news...you will never understand fully how much news impacts the families involved until its your family they are talking about! the release was simple, straight to the point, but it made me laugh when i read what was published on one page as it was already twisted round with bits that I hadnt signed.......the second statement is fast forwarding probably a week or 2, yep probably 2..I was driving back from town, just came over the hill and i saw the policeman in his car..his eyes locked on mine and i just knew he had been to my house...anyway get in the house, 5 mins later that knock on the door, they needed to know what to do with the 'stuff' that was taken from the house....*kick* it really does hit you like a physical pain...well i WAS NOT interested, I said I didnt want to know, but could I have his rings & his chain...I am still not sure why, but I guess its for the kids when they are older, I have a big old wardrobe here that i threw everything of his in, when we where renting a house for a few weeks, i came back here a couple of times by myself to clean up, make the place feel different,take the door down, and just try and stay, I couldnt just 'come back' with all the kids...to this day that wardrobe is still locked, i really wish i could set fire to it, but i know i cant, the kids will want happy memories when they are older, anyway of at a tangent there....his rings, his chain, yep no problem when can we bring them round? ....I said tommorow when the kids where all out, he agreed, but 20mins later the phone rang, they wanted me to go and collect his stuff that day, what a nightmare, I had sophie and half an hour till school pick up time...so i jumped in the car, whizzed down, and then was told i needed to make another statement to allow the police permission to dispose of the stuff I didnt want, to this day I dont know what that stuff was, other than what was visible on the day..so I said they had to be quick lol, I had to pick the kids up from the pantomine that school had taken them to in 10mins, its surreal i am sure i went into some kind of auto pilot mode, just fully focused on the kids and nothing more, formalities are just that...formalities...such a cold word, but hes dead, he made his choice...now everyday when i make a choice to look in the mirror pull my hair back, put my make up on I am choosing to live, and I have to for my babies, I am not allowed to be selfish, when I wobble, which I do quite a lot I am sure auto pilot kicks in again...what do the kids need? his rings are locked in a box, one day I will give them to the kids, I took my wedding ring & engagement ring off....i'm not married anymore. all for now

that statement

well where do you even start? .....one of the social workers took me down to the police station then the officers took us into a room, asked me if I wanted the social worker to stay..I said no, it didn't feel right, so she went back to help with the kids, and left me with the policeman younger than me, I could tell he was anxious, he had some stupid panda eyed woman sat in front of him ready to cry at any second...he was lovely, he truly was..so calming, I remember it was very strange, how was he in the run up to the 7th? how had his manner been? did he seem normal? how was your relationship? had you been arguing? did anything seem different/out of place...so many questions, and all in my heart I kept thinking was why, he wouldn't leave his kids, he wouldn't leave his kids...I remember looking into that police officers eyes and saying with crystal clarity 'do you think he did it on purpose?' that poor officer, no one will ever be able to answer that fully, but he said in his opinion that no, he thought it was a tragic accident, he just pushed it too far.....but in truth I will never know......not much of that interview sticks in my head, but one point that really does was working through the day of the 7th, we got up as normal, he had coffee, sat checking the weather, i got the kids sorted and took them to school then came home and got ready for work, he drove me to work, ASKED ME NOT TO GO...I hadn't been well, my pots had been playing up, but I still went, you know something sticks in my head and maybe I should say it maybe I shouldn't, but this blog is honesty so its better out than in..it sticks in my head that when we moved here he didn't work, whenever we spoke about him getting a job it was a bog standard response 'when you have put financially into this house as much as i have,then you can complain at me to get a job' ...that sticks and it hurts, so i went to work, i asked him to nip to tesco and pick me up some strawberry water as I have to keep my fluids up, so he did, he dropped it at work, and told me to ring him when I was on a break, well I did, I rang him at 11.30am...he was fine, he said he was doing his weather, fiddling with his pictures, he said he loved me...the last thing he said.....then nothing.....you see that was the last time I ever did and ever will speak to him...what happened between 11.30 and 1.45 i will NEVER know...and by god that is as hard as hell, I go over again and again and again in my head was anything different...was i being totally blind? and i just hand on heart do not know......it felt like a lifetime that i was in that interview room, all the questions, i remember saying to the police officer that on the night of the 6th we made love, you know, we were normal, i gave him anything he needed anytime so why wasn't i enough of a woman for him? that poor policeman, but its true, i feel in my heart that i wasn't enough..yet the police, the doctors..they tell me over and over its a compulsion, its like being addicted to drugs, its not controllable, well i know one damn thing, i listen, i always listen, i have to listen its the way my adult life has taught me, listen and speak when spoken too, i listen, he should have told me he was doing what he PROMISED he would never do again, now I only knew about the clothes...thetas all I knew, and he begged me to stay..he promised he could control it, why did i listen? WHY? I am so full of rage and anger and hate towards myself...from one aggressive bastard to another man who didn't care, didn't think and by god he knew the risks!!!! ...the policeman called an end to the interview when I just could not get anymore words out, I could do nothing but breathe and cry, hot angry tears....how the hell did this happen tears? ...i remember those first few days all i wanted to do was run away screaming, jump into the sea, take my life you know, whats the point in me without him? my kids deserve better, maybe they need a new start away from both of us...and still i look at them and think its such a lot of responsibility on my shoulders....so much for one person, how do i deal with questions like 'where do we send daddies birthday presents?' well I am still not sure how but I am getting there, the kids are smiling, the kids are happy, that makes my heart burst with pride and push silly thoughts to the back of my mind! MY BABIES NEED MUMMY!!!

day 1....8th december

What a surreal day, I remember sitting drinking coffee with my best friend, the kids sleeping soundly, I was so grateful they could sleep....sitting and thinking 'oh crap what happens now' ....I cant remember if anyone else had arrived by the time i decided the kids needed hot chocolate & a mountain of sweets before I walked down to town, I know it was early but I cant remember, I think i left my friend with all the kids as the centre was in town so i wasn't long, I remember standing in the co-op and crying like an idiot, not knowing what to do, grabbing everything sweet in sight,paying, then running round the corner, the contact centre is on the same street as the police station, two officers where walking down the street, they saw me and asked me to go with them to calm down and just sit, but i didn't i couldn't, i just told them i needed to get back to the kids......at that point I think the social worker was back, and another social worker was sorting the kids to go to the park, the psychologist was telling me they where sorting accommodation for my family as they couldn't stay with me, then i was taken to another building, not quite sure where but a nice woman gave me a pile of towels and took me to a shower, told me to freshen up then i was taken to speak to a councillor, now that was hard, she was one of my friends, we used to work together..so I couldn't really talk to her, we decided on practical things to tackle, so we went to get money from the cash machine in case cards where stopped as they where in his name, then to buy pj's for the kids...practical things, before going back to the contact centre..my friend and social workers with the kids...I just cant describe it at all, I cant ever thank my friend enough, and she will never grasp just what she did for me night one/day one and everyday since...when we got back there was tonnes of shopping, work had done it, the police had delivered it..was such a nice thing to do you know, such a kind thing in a world of chaos...then the social workers saying I needed to give my statement to the police, i remember several times thinking they where going to arrest me for being a bad wife, they where going to arrest me for not getting him down...really crazy thoughts...and the policeman dealing with it all is younger than me, I kept going over and over apologising and saying he shouldn't have had to see that..the poor soul earned his stripes that day! and if there was ever someone in my eyes who deserves a medal its him, he was so kind, so caring & so patient with me...the stupid 29 year old who was obviously a trainwreck...more on the statement later, I cant write anymore right now.....

night one....

The house was effectively 'taken off me' he had to go back to the mainland for a post mortem and I couldn't have control back of the house until the post mortem was done just incase anything was missed..throws up a big problem, where do one mum and 5 little kids go? theres alot of us and we have no family up here...the psychologist, a really lovely man said he had sorted accomodation,i left the kids at school why the police brought me back to the house to get some stuff to see us through, I can remember the police just leaving the house with bags of 'stuff' as i arrived - i dont know what, and i dont want to...then i remember coming in, the back the door had been boarded, glass everywhere and I just couldn't think where anything was, the bags i packed where such a random mix of totally un neccesary things, then i went to my bedroom, stood looking at the door, i really don't know how i kept it together i was aware that i was talking utter nonsense and telling the police i was fine i just needed to get stuff...his jumper was lay on the bed, i picked it up but they said i had to leave it i couldn't take anything from our room..so off we went again back to school to get the tribe, the kids split between two unmarked police cars, with un uniformed officers..see they wanted to try and keep things normal..we were taken into a room full of toys, a strange building, a contact centre...one of my biggest triggers! so that was a nightmare in itself, the kids excited by so many toys....asking where beds were, well there were no beds, sleeping bags..donated by the territorial army, just two rooms, lots of strangers, lots of toys, me & my kids.....i cant explain how strange it felt...my best friend was coming to stay with us, for that first night, my family where travelling up, it all felt so surreal you know! ....the stranger went to get chips for the kids, sat them at the table, i'm trying so desperatly hard to wake up, just to go home you know, its not real, it cant be...a while later my best friend walked in with her youngest daughter & her partner..I guess thats the first time it really hit me..hes not coming back! ..the psychologist left, the social worker left....what a mess! its all I can think to say, I cant even remember most of that night....only over analysing things over and over, it must have been an accident, why did i stay? why didnt i leave? why did he beg me to stay? why did he make promises he couldn't keep? you see he was my safety net, he held me when i was scared, my whole life...in a nutshell...all the pain, all the nightmares, all the fears...well it felt as if i had been plunged back years..back in another contact centre, this time it wasn't because of any physical abuse....just mental torture, plain and simple, the image that man has placed in my head, it will never be erased...just another nightmare on a pile of nightmares...damaged goods thats what I amount too, damaged goods.

Waves Hello....part one

Well folk keep suggesting I write things down, create a blog, a place to vent, scream,smile,cry,yell.....well on the 7th December 2012 at 1.45pm the dynamics of my life changed forever...this blog is I guess a focus on the future...doing everything I can just a step at a time, my focus very much is my babies, I have five children aged 11,9,8,6 & 4...so as you can guess life can get hectic, the last few months really have been such a rollercoaster of emotions.....I can't actually put my feeling's into words, but I do feel I am finally making some kind of steps to being happy Linzi again.....I shall update daily if possible, everyday with something that has made everyone here happy.....I guess post one should be my story..how I cam to be widowed at 29 with 5 littleones...
Well that's not an easy story, its certainly not a 'normal' story...it feels at though my adult years have been littered with pain, and just as things are stable & settled *boom!* here comes my biggest challenge..I wont go into all details as there's reasons why I cant, but my husband came into my life at a time when I really more than ever needed help, its not right to say he helped me...its fair to say he saved me...we would have been married 8 years this march, my first anniversary on my own was hard, but for much different reasons than people think....that day 7th december it will always remain vivid in my mind...I had a phone call to say our youngest daughter hadn't been picked up from nursery, well I was at work, it had happened a few times before so i thought he was on the computer and had lost track of time again, I rang home, no answer, I rang my Friend to come and check, another phone call to say the door was locked, curtains shut, so she went to pick up our daughter as my boss drove me home, I didn't have my car as I hadn't been well myself....I couldn't get in so picked up a brick and started smashing the glass door, I will never forget it, my whole life...everything was going through my mind, hes had an accident, a heart attack? fallen down the stairs? ...nope, I managed to get through the door, what a mess, I didn't even realise my shoes where full of glass, didn't even feel it...well I wont go into graphic details but what I found was not my husband, I vaguely remember my boss talking to me, then me screaming at the poor 999 woman, then trying so hard to get him down, I can  remember the ambulance seeming to take ages, me screaming I couldn't get him down, then the ambulance and police all seemed to be there at once, the ambulance woman taking machines in and me thinking 'well they have machines' they will save him, there's hope, he can go and get help...I remember being literally carried into a police car and screaming, the ambulance woman came out, said sorry and shook her head..I remember shouting you cant leave him, you cant just leave him, he has 5 kids! I remember screaming that my friend would be back with my daughter in a minute, but it was ok the police had gone to school,then I remember being sat in my Friends front room with a policeman, a psychologist & the headmaster, I had to tell my poor babies daddy was dead, well I will NEVER forgive him, i remember walking into the classroom all the kids, lots of teachers and sitting down trying so hard to formulate what to say, that conversation will never leave me, those 10 eyes falling apart before me, 'daddy has gone to heaven,he was really,really tired so he's gone to be the biggest brightest star in the sky, he will always been looking over keeping us all safe and I am so,so sorry that he had to go,I'm so sorry he had to leave,hes gone to sleep forever with the angels, but i promise you all we will be ok, we will be happy, I will look after you and love you enough for me & daddy forever' its funny how the words stick in your head, my poor,brave babies ....then I guess my nightmare began, why couldn't he have let me go years ago? why did he beg me to stay? ...you see people are saying suicide, it wasn't suicide, it was stupid, and I will never forgive him....but I cant let this ruin me, I'm 29...people expect me to live in black and cry, well I cry for my children with no father, I cry for them but I don't cry for me....if I could bring him back I would rewind the clock and leave all those years ago, but the brutal honest truth was I felt I owed him, he saved me, I owed him...well non of us deserved this! .......so I guess thats one part of my story...the most recent fuck up! .....onwards and upwards is becoming my motto..........xxxxxx