A year to this day...

christ knows why I decided to sit and write again, its been a while, I don't know? so much has happened this past year but december - its hurting, really hurting, there seems to be a link to everyday, take today for example, bang on a year since his body was released back to me, as was the house, I remember going downstairs in the b&b and being greeted by the police, they gave me my keys back, I remember asking them to see him, to try and over ride the image he left me with but no, not possible, remember him as he was, well you see that's a fucking massive brick wall because all I see is the image he left me with, this year has been without a shadow of a doubt the hardest year of my life, and I hope it will be the hardest year I will ever have to face, my babies, you see they will always be my babies- have really made my heart burst with pride, there bravery, but then the really screwed part of me looks at them and thinks they deserve so much more than me, believe me this year more than ever, I have tried so hard, so hard to keep them smiling, but they wobble, just like I do, they wobble - I wobble, and I hate crying infront of them, I am trying to fix my screwed parts, but that's scary, honesty - honesty, that's a very big important word to me, always has and always will be, well I was honest with my doctor, really honest - didn't go down well and I still haven't found the courage to take the next steps, I still haven't found the courage to go back god only knows I need too, my babies need me..but - and the but is the problem....so much has changed, moved back to the mainland, got a job - not started, don't feel strong enough, cant bring myself to re-open the business, I don't know, then there's my new partner, hes amazing, I have literally known him all my life - we grew up next door but one too each other, but then I am pushing him away, I am poison you see - I must be, how do you get to 30 only having 2 real relationships? the first really abusive and then the second well yep, that ended well - not! you see I cant work it out, I cant.......life.....hell? self pitying very possibly - but right now I feel trapped in this big black hole I can't escape from - I just cant get out, christmas is another hurdle, jon was buried on the 18th december, less than a week before christmas eve, I cannot remember christmas day last year - I cant, why did he have to pick such a selfish time of year to push it too far? why did he have to do it at all? you see he could have spoken to me, he should have spoken to me - blank, blank, blank :(

Moving on

Well I haven't posted on here for such a long time I moved away from the island not because of anybody other than myself and really feeling I needed to be away for a while, it wasn't working and god only knows I tried, I miss my friends - my real friends, but in honesty the kids are so much happier down here, they have relatives around they can go and visit, they are all in new schools, one reason I guess I am writing this is I know you read it I am not stupid! As far as I am concerned people drift apart, people get hurt, people move on, there's no story to have any sides too! I have so much bigger things to deal with, please stop! It's really not called for! I don't even really know where it all went wrong but you guys should understand that my focus is my babies will always be my babies, it's really not nice to move away then still hear the jungle drums, let us live in peace, you still have your family your life up there embrace it, be happy

schools out for summer???

another HARD day, kids broke up for the summer holidays, I had to make the agonising decision to keep my son back for another year in primary school, as in all honesty he has lost the last 6 months of his education, it wasn't an easy decision to make, and hes being so grown up about it! but nothing could have prepared me for picking him up, so many tears connor & all his friends, the harsh realisation that his Friends are going to high school and he isn't .........he feels left behind :( now I feel totally, utterly shite..........its so hard being a mum, but let me tell you being a mum & a dad in this situation feels like hell on earth on days like today.............now theres long weeks ahead and its down to me to make summer special, thats not an easy task as everywhere on the island we have been, and I dont want the whole summer to be filled with 'we came here with daddy' .....its just not easy!!! its not easy AT ALL!!!!!!!! ........more positive news in that I am focusing on the future, opening a new shop in stornoway, I was sat on the windowsill in the shop yesterday thinking 'this is it!....this is the brighter future' ......and I know alot of people think I am bonkers, but for me, moving forwards seems logical, I am so scared if I look back I will fall to pieces, why the hell did he leave us like this? what did any of us do to deserve this? its hard, its so hard!!!!!!!!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I thought I had finally found some help.............wrong!

reasons to smile

no words, just happy pictures :D

building foundations...

Well I decided I need to really start trying to work on what happens in the future, the days seem to merge into one long stretch of time at the minute, my focus is trying to get some support to help the kids, help them deal with anger I guess, connor is very angry, and I guess he takes it out on me because he doesn't know what else to do, I love my babies with all my heart, some days are really lots harder than others, I have been hunting around to find any ideas that might help and stumbled across a fair few charities, all of which I have contacted, I also booked myself onto a 'widowed young' weekend, I hope meeting people who can really understand how I feel will give me a chance to deal with issues that I really cant talk to other people about, I feel it really is about time that things changed for the better, I am getting to the point where I feel I really am starting to push people away and I hate that, but I know I cant spend the rest of my life shut away..it wasnt my fault, I am also working really hard to get back into new premises and show the kids life really does go on, new chapters?

do you feel?

sometimes it feels hard to breathe, I wish people would stop blaming me, stop hurting me, it wasnt me who made him do what he did, it was his game, his obession? I dont know, I never will know, but sometimes I wish It was me who wasn't breathing anymore..then I remember I need to be strong, I need to stay strong, i need to try harder

graduation.........

My little baby graduated from nursery today, I still have to get used to saying 'my' instead of 'ours' ..it was lovely, but pretty heart turning, another stark reminder of just how much that man left behind, my Little Sophie is 5 tommorow, the years have flown by...I look at pictures of when she was born, bang on 6lbs, little princess, back then things where so different........shes going to have an amazing day tommorow, and I WILL NOT fall apart, I cant, but I dont know, theres something about Sophie, shes so young...all the kids are young, but still I wonder what she will ever remember of daddy, if anything, when she is older? that man was a prick, and yet I sit again having to try and piece things back together....birthdays these year are the hardest, so much harder than words..............

my karma?

whoever you are 'anonymous' ..and no not you...the 'karma' one...if this is my karma then I thankyou for your kind words, and also thankyou to rot, have you not noticed me ignoring your comments yet? GROW UP! ...no one asked you to read this and quite frankly the world is ugly enough without another troll..so run along now....the playgrounds that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Just sometimes.....

I sit and I think, I think how much things are changing......fathers day yesterday, now that was a bit of a fuck up to be honest, the kids wanted to go to a beach down in Harris and send balloon's up to dad, now its not for me to say no, its for me to say 'yes we can do that' now they haven't asked to do anything specific like that before, maybe its a turning point for them? ...Well off we went in the evening, I wanted to try and catch a sunset for them, but me being me I went the wrong way, totally, ended up at a beach yes, but bosta beach, and the tide was in, so all we could see was a graveyard - this wasn't one of my best moments! however the kids did what they needed to do, me hiding behind my trusty sunglasses, you see if it gets hard then sunglasses cover teary eyes ;) I was so proud of them, they didn't cry, they really didnt even get upset, they wrote letters and tied them to the balloons at home, I didn't read them as to be honest I didn't want to, but I stood and watched them, they said they loved daddy, then came for a big hug.......not quite sure how I didnt fall apart but I didnt, I guess its because deep down I know my life is not in the past anymore, it cant be, I owe my babies a happier mummy and I know in myself somewhere I deserve better than to be hurting, he cant hurt me anymore than he did,no one ever could, so if keep thinking that NO MATTER WHAT I know the worst pain in my life is done ( I cant see me finding anyone else like that) then the only way is up? ..cliched but true,..but it doesn't mean blips don't happen, it doesnt mean I dont do silly things that I really know I shouldnt and then end up ashamed of myself for being so weak! .......
we all got back in the car and screeched and screamed down the hill at bosta, much to the hilarity of the kids...but you see they where laughing, smiling, singing HAPPY....... things are changing, slowly but surely...... as long as they are smiling I know deep down that somewhere I must be doing something right...and thats a step in the right direction...god only knows there are bloody big demons to slay yet...but for now we got through another 'first' the kids are happy.....

miserable......

Its been a horrible week, not gone a day without collapsing in a big heap, my health is causing me so many problems right now, its scary :( 5 kids and a poorly mummy is not easy.......trying to get stronger, trying to get better..but fighting a loosing battle, I feel like I am closing off from the world more...going into hiding I guess, I hope these feelings of horrible uselessness pass quickly.......I know there are people in the world who care, I just dont FEEL it right now, I just feel numb, numb and really sore......my body is sore.........but I guess I am still breathing, still here, should quit moaning.........self pitying why me? bollocks.........dust yourself off and take each day as it comes....such a cliche, maybe one day that next day wont come.

learning to live

I think sometimes its really easy to get sucked up in all the negativity, god only knows many millions of people in the world would wish for a magic wand or a time machine, for various reasons, but deep,deep down we all know that is never going to happen....we all say things, we all do things we don't mean, but some people push it TOO HARD...they move the goalposts and change every aspect of your life that you had become accustomed too I guess, you fall into a routine, normal things, boring things...but boring things that mattered at some point or other......

Fathers day is fast approaching, another one that I dont know what to do with, another kick in the teeth, its funny because when he was alive he said it was a con, an excuse to get people to part with there money, but he didnt complain on the day when the kids spoiled him.......hes never going to get that again and that was his stupid choice, but the kids......I cant shelter them forever, all I can do is learn how to work through things, hard things, my motto is 'everything will be ok in the end' .......its funny really because what If the end isn't ok?

what if we push people away because we dont know how to be 'normal'? we really want them close, but it hurts because we constantly over think things, we constantly read between the lines, see things that dont exist...you see I would love to be one of those happy folk that exist without 'problems' I would love to be carefree, I would love to be able to just find myself...but its not that simple..........nothing worth fighting for is ever simple......but I push the boundaries, damaged goods, ruined, fat, ugly, horrible, I am scared I am going to push too hard...I guess

And I would also love to be one of those people who didn't trust the wrong people, the word hate is a horrible word and there really are only 2 people in the world i hate, one who's gone, and the other well if there was a legal way I could get rid of him then I would in a heartbeat..other than that there is no one I HATE and if you have reason to think I hate you then you have a reason to feel that way through your own actions, not mine........

my life now, well its getting better....better........I hope, I feel it is, but deep down I am PETRIFIED i am going to fuck it up, hapiness cant be that hard can it? I hope not, I hope its as simple as it feels...........thats it I guess....onwards.......forwards......never back!

I am learning everyday that I can live, I dont need to worry about what other people think, but on the same hand it always matters to me what people think, thats just me, I am sorry for reading between the lines, I am sorry for trying to see things that aren't there.....sorry is a word I use a lot right now.........

fuck you

I am cross, I need to switch off, I need to stop hurting myself, i need to calm down...you wanker :( you total utter WANKER!! and yes swearing isnt very ladylike, but if you treated me like a lady then you would have thought of ME and the impact it would have in My life finding you there just like a fucking woman...I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY THE FUCK ME???????????????????????/ YOU SELFISH SELFISH MAN!!!!

making new memories

Well we made it through May!!! ....thank god!!! two birthdays, two more 'firsts'....I took the tribe away this week, they had a great time...I kept smiling, life feels hard, but at the same time I am achieving so much that I never thought that I could, even simple things like driving a long way is a first for me, taking the kids away on my own is a first, it was hard especially on days out, 'normal' families, you know a mum & a dad, now I know that 'normal' doesn't really exist but still everyones normality is different! One thing I am really learning is the amount of people who are only here for me when there is a gain out of it for them, now I wont go into specifics on here..except I need to get A LOT stronger!!! although it might not look to others like I am trying to get stronger I really am!! I get up everyday and paint on my smile, its easy to paint it on, its not as easy to hold my hands up and say somedays I just cant cope! some nights I go to bed and see him, it makes me angry as hell.....6 months have passed this week, if I look back to who I was 6 months ago to who I am today I really do see 2 different people, I am finding a 'new me' slowly but surely...hopefully a happier than Linzi has ever been Linzi, but time will tell, my bad days are my battles at the minute, stupid things I need to stop...but I will, because I know I can, lots of my friends keep saying write a book, not just on what happened, but I do feel there is a big 'hush,hush' over the extremes that some people will go to for sexual gratification, which is what he died from when all the bullshit is cut out... to be 29 to go from one very abusive relationship to another with someone that I feel I didnt know is hard, but I am still here, I am still breathing, and one day I will be able to stand up and help other people work through pain, I have started writing that book, rolled right back to being 17, having my son, that 'man' ....its going to take a long time, but I feel in someway by writing things down I am dealing with my demons....if I could roll things back I would not change my babies for the world, and for that very reason they will ALWAYS remain my focus! One day I will have to look deep into there eyes and tell them the truth, the whole truth and by then I hope I will have beaten ALL my demons and be strong enough to help them with theres....as in truth they have demons, they just havent met them yet and as long as I live & breathe I will never forgive Jon for that...WE DESERVED BETTER!!!

Back to the memories...happy times ...............

these pictures make me smile..they also tug at my heart strings because is rams home to me how much he has left behind in the kids, they are beautiful, amazing little people who he will never watch grow up...such a stupid man!! 

the last rather random picture is my 'wall of inspiration' it keeps on growing! some folk think it looks a mess, but to me each & every thing on that wall has a meaning...a focus....happiness! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

letting go....

Its funny because yesterday one of my facebook statuses read.... and for my next trick.....i am going to let it all out, then say fuck it, no more tears....no ones going to hurt me anymore! .....I have a holiday to pack for! .............. 

I think I took it literally as last night was a total meltdown, and I am not ashamed to admit it! Its going to happen from time to time....but less and less as time goes on until eventually I have nothing left to get angry about! I said stupid things that made people I love worry yesterday, which I meant at the time but I meant them out of anger....I look at my 5 beautiful babies and think its so unfair! but each and everytime I think its so unfair I also think its up to me to fix things, turn unfair upside down and keep them smiling! its is very quickly creeping towards 6 months, half a year...and yes its strange, but out of strange is creeping a happier Linzi again, so I apologise to people who I worried yesterday, in life we all have 'blips' but in all honesty I have alot of reasons to remain breathing, as painful as it gets from time to time, all I need to do is sit and think of all the positives................ 

1. first and foremost my beautiful babies

2. my wonderful amazing friends/family including a very special friend!!! - very lucky girl I am

3. I think the fact that I am still here is a positive as the darker moments where it would have been so easy to just give up haven't defeated me - and no matter what they wont! 

4. we do live in a beautiful place with beautiful beaches and clean fresh air

5. my house is my house....I WILL make it my HOME again...its just going to take time!! 

6.I have learned that trust should be earned, not just given..a harsh lesson but a positive one as it makes me look in the mirror and really think I need to toughen up! 

7. I can drive past the graveyard with the kids in the car now without getting into a blind panic about anyone asking questions - a random positive I know, but I havent taken the kids there, and I wont, which is my choice, my decision and it feels right right now

8. I am planning an amazing summer, new memories, happy memories, lots of smiles, lots and lots and lots of love!!! 

9. may be the bottom of my list but its not the least positive infact its the hardest positive to accept yet the one I really really need to focus on....it is possible to be happy & to be loved without rules, restrictions, constantly feeling your not doing right for doing wrong! ...love unconditionally really does exist! 

10. Life is for living, not for mourning what has passed, thats a positive for me, god only knows there are alot of people who expect me to live my life in black and sit falling apart in a corner, but thats not me, I am choosing to live my life!!!! 

you see BETTER times ahead Linzi....better times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

reasons to smile..........

I am trying to be more positive,there are alot of people alot worse off than what I am, I have a lot to be thankful for! life throws crap at you so you can focus on getting through, coming out the other side a better, stronger person! I am done with people who only need me when they want something, I am focusing on the people who really do care because I know I love and care for them in return with no conditions, no rules......

I am taking the kids for an adventure tommorow first time I have ever driven so far just me & the kids..I feel nervous but I shall do it!!!! ....
we got through birthday number one....we had an AMAZING party, all down to some amazing people that helped me so much! ....now birthday number two is on tuesday, my only son...hes turning 12......that makes me feel old!!!!!!!

So through all the crap there are lots of positives, keep looking for those rays of sunshine Linzi ..........................

the simple truth............

I am seeming to be having a hard time with this house at the minute, its feels in a sense like a prison I guess...and yes I know how extreme that sounds, but I find myself just feeling trapped..I thought I had come up with a master plan, rent this place then rent a new place with the money, but I cant...it would become a taxable income, I am self employed too so I know it wouldn't work out, so here I stay....my only option is to change the place, knock down walls, re structure, but its so strange, at 29 god only knows I know I am lucky that these walls cannot be taken away, no mortgage, no debts, no nothing...but that's just it, no nothing....no nothing but pain here...so it NEEDS to change, I need to focus.....that's my next step...... accepting that what happened wasn't my fault is another step I need to focus on, that's not so easy...I KNOW I couldn't have changed what I didn't know, but I know I could have changed my decision to stay.....then I get stuck in a vicious circle, I hate me, I blame me, I hate me, I blame me..see! when in truth total truth I found the man I thought was my 'husband' hanging on the back of my bedroom door, in my clothes, with some twisted way of how he had done it, wires, padlocks....how? and you know I keep thinking my clothes? why? padlocks..why? ....and the policeman interviewing me asking me to describe what he was wearing, asking me if that was everything...well it was everything I could allow myself to remember... did I see he was wearing a bra? HE! HE! HE! ....no I didn't see, or at least I didn't register it if i did...so you see that's the TRUTH... the plain simple nitty gritty, the what 'HE'  did, the how 'HE' left me.............I wish people would stop, think & listen TO ME rather than rumours, knock on my door...ask me what HE did, don't spread lies & bullshit, because it was NOT SUICIDE..it was recorded as accidental death, his sick, twisted game was not meant to be a 'way out of a bad marriage' god only knows we had no perfect marriage, who does? he didn't love me, I know that in my heart, I lived that everyday but I still stayed! my choice, for my children....you see everything I do I do with my children's best interest at heart, the decisions I make I never make without considering them first, so now why people are running around banging on there jungle drums..bang this....ITS MY LIFE! MY CHOICES! MY DECISIONS....judge someone else for a change!

pain

it just hurts to think, it hurts to breathe, life just hurts :(

Blame

Blame is a funny word...I sit and think, didn't I show him enough that I loved him, I told him everyday I loved him, I don't know maybe I was trying to convince myself when deep down I knew things where wrong, we didn't have a normal relationship, not that normal is even normal...but you know I can sit and say what I like because hes dead and therefore cannot argue anything, but in truth this blog I guess helps because I can be honest, I can vent and rage, and speak unspoken truths, not meaning to cause pain to anyone but to help me...... I keep thinking we moved here so that we could give a better life to the kids, more freedom, more stability...now its all ripped away! and who do i blame? you want me to be honest? I blame ME! and why? because I SHOULD have had the bottle to go, that first time I should have gone, the second time I should have run for the fucking hills....but I didn't so its my fucking fault I let him hurt us, I cant get that image out of my head, its there, its always going to be there, me slapping him, shouting at him to wake up, stop being stupid is always going to be there, and the fact what he had done was so complex, so thought out, its always going to be there, if it was a rope the knife would have gone through no problem,he was still warm when I touched his skin,he wasn't cold if it was rope maybe he would have survived but on the other hand maybe the last thing he heard was me screaming at him,me slapping him, why the fuck was he doing it??!!??! he must have known if it went wrong A.. i would find him and B..i would be stuck here, I cant get out of this house! I cant sell it and move as I wont be able to buy a 4 bed detached house in a quiet area for what I get for this in a million years!!! I cant realistically rent as there are too many rules/regs I dont understand, so I have to stay here! it feels like a really cruel parting shot! I can dream one day I will win the lottery but its never going to happy, I know the fact that these four walls are mine mortgage free is a really good thing in this day and age, but I would happily run away screaming..infact I nearly have! ....sometimes its hard to breathe, I have let the kids have a total free run since he died and now getting any level of control over the house just isnt happening, I dont have the energy to battle, and to be honest I want the kids smiling and nothing else...but when is it going to get easier? these walls feel suffocating, I cannot sit in the living room on my own in the evenings I just cant do it, which is strange, but the more I think of it when I found him he was the living room side of the door...the bedroom is off the living room, we knocked a wall down just before he died, now I would give anything to have that wall back, seperation, difference...its strange, the kids go to bed, I go to bed, watch utter crap on the telly in the hope I just conk out...its no fun.....why did i not accept that things wern't right? well thats another thing, jon saved me, my life before jon was horrendous, no one should have to live in a refuge with a small child, no one should have a second child through no choice of there own, jon saved me, but now in a cruel twist of fate he has left me trapped in a house I cannot escape! ....why me? I must have been a total bitch in a previous life because I tell you now karma is kicking me like a bitch...just fuck off and leave me alone, give me a break, let me breathe!

make or break may

well 5 months has flown by, I was dreading may, its the start of the birthday season, everyone says the 'firsts' are the hardest, and I cant really put properly into words how much it hurts inside, my babies never,ever deserved this..they don't deserve birthdays with no sign of daddy, it makes me so angry...total meltdown in the card shop, trying to find a daughter card, every one seems relevant to be from mum & dad, everyone another stab in the heart, I think people mistake my tears as missing him, they couldn't be further from the truth, my tears are for my babies, little things normal families take for granted you know, simple little things like i love you, my amber our second youngest was closest to daddy, he called her his golden bear, and I can see in her eyes shes hurting, and I cant fix it! I am dreading monday, Amy is 10 double figures for my beautiful princess, but last year she was 'our' beautiful princess, the dynamics of EVERYTHING have changed, and I throw my hands up and say I am not managing may at all, its only the 4th :( I feel like I am walking blind into unknown territory, everything rests on my shoulders...everything is so much harder than it used to be, I am trying so hard to sort childcare to go back to work but I am just hitting brick walls, I have re-opened the business but juggling the business with looking after the kids and the house is another challenge I have to get used to, the house is a tip, I am trying to sort it, but again little things, I was sorting the girls rooms and found a letter 'I hate daddy because mummy cries every night now when she thinks I dont know' ...how do you fix that? its just not fair!!!! I just want may to fuck off in one sense, but the other hand I am focusing on giving the kids the best birthdays ever! we are having a massive party next weekend, a joint party for amy & connor..I am focusing on that, but monday is my biggest hurdle yet, I cant think about monday without crying, christ knows how but I will stay strong and I wont fall apart in front of the kids......I never ever dreamed my life would be like this, I never dreamed anyone would hold that much power in my life that it would even be possible to fuck up so much!! I wish I could rewind the clock and be stronger all those years ago, I would be a stronger person and walk away the kids would still have a dad! I keep having the same nightmare over and over too, its me on that door, i dont know how i got there but i cant breathe,and the kids find me,i wake up in a mess, it feels so real, i hate it, i know hate is a strong word but its how i feel...please invent a magic wand, or a time machine, just something, anything to make things different...i would be forever in debt to you!

stuff you

and that is putting it politely!!! ...How dare you do such a stupid selfish thing! how dare you let me find you like that, do you know I can barely sleep now? I see you hanging there looking like an idiot, I see me walking up to you screaming, slapping your face, trying to lift you, you stupid selfish prick, and you know what I keep finding your shit! I found the box hidden upstairs, I found your straps in the bedroom, and you know what I HATE YOU! I am trying so hard, so hard not to smash this house to pieces, how do i keep living here? you tainted it, you turned it black!!! theres someone else who makes me smile, much more than you ever made me smile, but I feel selfish, I feel I was already fucked when you 'took me on' now I am a wreck, trying so hard not to just give up, you had no damn right...absolutely non, non at all! if I could bring you back TRUST ME I would kick you away, tell you to fuck off...why did you beg me to fucking stay all those years ago? you knew me, you knew I have no strength, I cant fight, I cant argue, I just sit & agree....you should have been a man and walked away...well I hope you are happy! you bastard! you total utter bastard!

19 weeks

19 weeks today, its astonishing really, and I dont have much to say other than I am trying not to fall apart, not for me..but for my babies, for some reason its hurting like hell today, I have been running around keeping busy, but busy means interacting with normal families, and thats hard for me, when one of your friends is talking to you on the phone and says to there kids 'go ask daddy, I am on the phone' it kind of hits me all over again that my kids dont have a daddy...and I wish, oh i wish that people would stop judging me, a nice word is lovely, but a negative word sticks...thats all, i really am not in the best of places right now, hibernating with my babies over the weekend.....this will pass

nothing

its funny i read other widows blogs and try to judge how i am feeling against those, and i realise i cant think the same, as i feel anger, he never left me anything to understand...if it had been natural i would have understood, if it had been suicide he surely would have left me a note, but no hes just left me to deal with the image,in my fucking clothes i mean thats really sick right???!!!!....this is what i cant understand and i re-run over and over again, when i found him that way years ago why the hell did i stay? why did i stay? the kids thats why - thats what a parent does right? they stay to make the kids feel they have a 'normal family'i wish i had the courage to leave but there was so much to deal with, burying my head in the sand and believing him was so much easier.....why? Its about time i grew a backbone, i should have realised it had started again, i guess when i think about it the signs where there, infact there was one time a few weeks before he wasnt answering the phone and i had a sick feeling in my stomach, but i came home and he wasn't doing anything, but he did start letting me go out in the evenings, whereas before he didnt let me go out,surely i should have realized something was a miss, i mean i know im thick but i cant believe i was that thick...if i had faced reality faced the truth my kids could still have there dad...it makes me feel sick, maybe it is me all along....i just dont know , i feel like a normal person, i like making people happy, i like making people smile.,.but maybe in truth im just incapable, if i was a good enough wife my kids would still have a dad.....if i was a good enough person i would have much more to show for my life, i dont know if its possible to push people away by trying too hard? i would go to work, come home, sort the kids, sort him, i was knackered, but i still kept trying, keep everyone happy linzi, keep everyone happy....you know in my life who has ever focused on keeping linzi happy? all i wanted was normality...but it was far from normal, far,far from normal.....I just want one real chance at being happy, one real shot at knowing what it feels like to be loved, so why do i feel so scared? im scared im going to fuck up again, im scared im going to do something wrong and suffer the concequences, my who adult life has been concequences, i didnt feel he loved me for a very long time if i am totally honest, we just went through the motions.....not love, not feelings, just motions rahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

f*ck it....happy lists!

right people do bucket list dont they...heres mine well to start with anyway

1.Make my babies smile everyday

2.Sort the house out - make it unique, and stomp on that one image..which means knocking down walls!

3. sort summer - this summer will be amazing

4. start a 'happy book' I am doing this tommorow..starting with our holiday, that was wonderful

5. dont look back!

6. travel with the kids, i want them to see different countries, different cultures, different ways of the world

7. sort the garden, its a bombsite when it could be beautiful

8. visit people who car/ people i havent met before who have been an impact in my life for years!

9. shake off the dead wood and focus on those who really do give a shit

10. have the biggest bestest birthday party the kids have ever seen - saturday 11th of may...my kids want a party they are gonna get a party!!

11.Turn 30 with a smile on  my face and more confidence in myself - life will begin at 30! my 30's will be awesome!!

12. Love unconditionally!

13. Learn - start an open university course, he stopped me, he cant stop me now!

14. Re -Open and re focus on my business

15. help others - i dont think theres any young widows support groups up here so i am going to start one!

16. the biggest one - smile everyday, because i have a lot to be thankful for!

never knowing whats right or whats wrong

sometimes I cant blog as i cant physically put down whats going on in my jumbled up mind...at the front of my mind constantly is my beautiful babies and how much pain he has caused by leaving them, I honestly dont give a toss about me, I am a big girl, I can cope..hmmm, but the kids its hard, I catch myself looking at them when they are lost in thought and it honestly tears my heart in two...by doing what he did he has left them forever, he will never see them again, never hear them again, never teach connor photography - like he promised! he will never tuck them in at night, never give them magic kisses when they fall over, never see them grow up...he wont walk his babies down the aisle, he wont see his grandkids.....why did he have to leave my babies like this? I hate him, absolutely totally hate him....I keep sitting and thinking what happens when the day comes that they want to know how he actually died, they wont believe that he just fell asleep forever and i owe them more than a pack of lies....i sit and wonder what the hell i did wrong in a previous life to deserve all this, which yes i know sounds like self pitying bollocks but its how i feel rightly or wrongly....I want to have a happy future I want to be able to look in a mirror and not see a totally fucked up mess, i guess he took away any bit of confidence i built back up and i am trying so hard not to fall....some days i find myself totally pushing people away who do care, and thats hard, because inside i guess i feel im not worthy of being loved, a member of his family said i was 'very damaging' but that was before he died, thats another story,since he died the amount of people i thought loved and cared about us has plumetted dramatically which is hard, really hard, someone i thought was my best friend turned out to show her true colours and is now trying her best to turn the rest of the family against me - thats hard, but i have learned the fake from the genuine from the nosey!!!! deep down i know all i have is two goals is number one my babies to be happy, happier than ever...then second i want to love and be loved in return, without lies, without conditions and without fear....I am trying I am really trying on every level ....I wish I had a magic wand I would wave it right back to being 17, I wouldnt change my babies but the 'men' in my life would get nowhere near me....obviously thats not possible, never going to happen so I need to focus on looking forwards and not looking back....one of my daughters asked me if i missed daddy the other day and i blurted out 'no i dont miss him' that was a major fuck up, but if i could bring him back i wouldnt keep him......somewhere deep down in my knows that we all deserved better....

rules on feelings

One thing I am learning is that different people expect you to 'feel' in different ways, which can cause offence to people when you dont necesarily agree...this is a really hard lesson to learn let me tell you! and you certainly learn who your real freinds are, there is no rule book on getting over a death, but let me tell you even if there was, in the situation I am left in I would throw any rulebook on the fire......people say 'how are you today?' and theres no answer that covers everyday.....somedays I am happy, next day i am cross, everyday is different, things 'trigger' me I guess....like songs....take this for example.....    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNpeK7sDLzE  ...this song takes me back to sand street, the night before his funeral, it came on the telly, and I threw something at the telly and screamed 'its not fucking fair' ...I loved this song then I saw it on the christmas advert with the snowmen,then all I suddenly thought was its christmas next week you fucking bastard!!!! ...excuse my language! but you see normal little things to everyone else can mean I just need to run off and scream & cry.....theres just no rules!!!

I want my future to be happy, I dont want to spend my life draped in black crying in a corner, I am 29, I NEVER ASKED FOR THIS!!  and in truth I would not wish this on my very worst enemy in the world, I think it is one of the most selfish, self centred acts of sheer nonsense!!! I will never understand it, I will never rid my head of the images he has inprinted in my brain, but I will not play the big grieving widow for the next ten years to please other people...I just wont, and anyone who expects that of me well shame on you

wherever you are

I hope you are happy, would you like to tell me how i deal with everything now? its supposed to be parents evening again, the kids brought there folios home again, and guess what...you know on what makes me sad? well on each of the kids answer 'daddy dying makes me sad' ....aren't you a FUCKING HERO!!! you know I wish I could see you now, just to slap you extremely hard and tell you to FUCK OFF! come back and make the kids better, tell them you haven't trashed there futures, explain to them that you didnt love any of us enough to be a normal husband, a normal dad!!!!!! its a good job I cant get down to your grave now..I would be kicking you.......I am really not happy with you AT ALL! total moron!!!

firsts

this isn't an easy one...well non of them are easy lets face it..but firsts, march has been a month of firsts......we would have been married 8 years on the 5th march when i roll back to that day i said 'i do' i think he should of said 'i don't because i am never going to be able to really stop' but hey - ho such is life...
 then mothers day which has never been a big thing anyway, he never believed in any of that 'nonsense' but my wonderful friends sent cards/gifts off the kids, an absolute shining star taught my eldest how to make a cup of tea which he then went on to wake me with a brew & a cuddle..followed by a lovely day with the shining star & her wonderful family - see all these people will never truly realize just how much they help me!!
Then his birthday..he would have been 41 on the 15th...brought back so many emotions, on his 40th i booked 2 weeks at a beautiful house in fort william, with a hot tub over looking the mountains, making birthdays special has always been a big thing, i like to make a fuss over those i love...yet this year i was hoping & praying that the 15th would pass in a blur.....but nope, the kids remembered, my youngest came out of nursery with pictures and cards, questioning where we send them...now this is where it gets really hard and i get really ANGRY! I HATE this!!!!! and I hate him for ever making me have to deal with this......the emotions for the kids are so different, they will say things, do things that make it really hard for me, but they don't know that, they wanted me to make a cake, light candles, sing happy birthday...my immediate instincts inside me screamed yes i will make a fucking cake, then i will throw it at the nearest wall and scream my lungs out..but nope i couldn't, you see i have no choice but to listen, act and stay 'together' for my babies, they don't know what daddy did, and as far as i am concerned they never will...i want them to remember happy times, i don't want them knowing there b*stard of a father didn't even consider his family in his foolish games......

April is going to be full of comebacks! I need to get myself focused on work, I love my business and have worked way too hard to watch it dissapear....my heart just hasn't been there..but at the moment I am in a happier place and am throwing my energy into that!!! as long as my babies are smiling, theres a roof over there heads, food on the table.. then anything else is a bonus!! I am focusing on positives.. I do have a lot of positives in my life and there are folk a lot worse off than me..but it doesn't stop my wobbles, my 'life isn't fucking fair days!!' ..but they are getting fewer and farrer between...the next challenge that I know is really,truly going to test me is that wardrobe!! ..But i will wait until the kids are sound asleep and face it head on, I also need to try and work out how to use all his cameras, i made a promise to my son that i will teach him how to take photos, i dont even know how to switch them on!!! ...but anyway that wardrobe..once its done its done, it will be an angry job, a sad job, and a final job....everything must come to an end...no matter how sick that end is.....

the funeral

Well this was never going to be an easy post...the police had moved us to a b&b after being in the contact centre, then moved to a refuge, it was really taking its toll, i wasnt in a good place at all, the police where amazing i have to say, we all got to the b&b and all stayed on the top floor out of the way yet with the comfort of having a shower...it was so surreal, the first morning there I had been for a walk to clear my head and got back to find the police waiting for me, the post mortem was done, nothing un expected so I was handed my keys back and told that my husbands body had been released back to me i needed to contact the funeral directors....well i didnt want to, it was as plain and simple as that, i didnt have a clue what to do/ where to start / just kept thinking this should not be my job, i shouldn't have to do this....

in the end the headmaster from school arranged for a chaplain to come and see me at the b&b....my family took the kids out so i could talk to him on my own, well in truth i didnt say much to the chaplain, what do you say? he was a lovely man, calming, listened to what i did have to say..which i honestly can't remember...he left then a few mins later rang to say which day the funeral would be.....i told people then a lovely friend rang and stopped me in my tracks, talked to me openly & honestly about the funeral i had booked, she said to change it..it would be more fitting, so thats what i did, i changed his funeral to the salvation army, i went to see the lovely man there, arranged a song..now how do you pick a funeral song? i also said it would be me that spoke at the funeral, i was his wife, it was my job to speak as i knew him, well i thought i knew him...so that was changed, the date was set.....next stop outfits, now what the hell do you buy for a funeral? i didnt want black, i remember looking very lost in the shop and an assistant asking if i was looking for a christmas party outfit..if only :( i told her very matter of factly that no i was looking for something for my husbands funeral...that wasnt very nice of me, but there just wasnt anything else i could say...i eventually decided then went back to the kids, they where happily playing on just dance, it was so good to see them having fun, they will never realise how much there smiles & laughter pull me through bad days.

the kids i had decided where to young to go to daddys funeral, i hadnt been to see him, i was advised against it, so i didnt want my kids having a lasting image of however i would be the minute i saw that coffin...well now i know i made the right decision.

the morning of the funeral was beautiful, everywhere was icy & white, it was freezing cold but the sun was shining so it really did make everything look like it was sparkling.....i dont believe in signs, or anything like that, but i was comforted a bit by just how beautiful that morning looked...having a shower and getting dressed, i remember sitting on the floor just telling myself over and over and over 'you can do this' ..i didnt want my babies to see my crying, i was just going saying a happy goodbye, sleep well...not a bad one....it was by far one of the hardest moments of my life walking into the room with the kids and trying to hold everything together that day, but i did..i didnt fall apart...not yet....i told the kids i loved them and i wouldnt be long....

walking into the salvation army, well that image..that coffin, i had said no flowers, he didnt like flowers, but i had ordered a heart off the kids in roses, and i had taken a picture of us on our wedding day and the new picture of all 5 of our tribe together so he wouldnt be buried on his own...that coffin, it wasnt very big..i didnt know what i really expected, but i remember telling him he was stupid & selfish...i couldnt stay in that room, so went next door, i could hear voices, the room filling up...i could feel myself shaking it was horrible, a physical pain...then it was our turn to go back in, the hall was full, so many people came to pay there respects...i dont know how i got through, there was a prayer, a hymn was sang then it was my turn to speak, i hadn't written anything down, i thought i would speak from my heart, but i honestly did not know if my legs would hold me up...i said when we moved here he always said he had found his heaven on earth, he loved lewis, he loved everything about here and we moved here to be happy & bring up our kids in heaven..well i cant really remember much else, i kissed his coffin and went to sit back down...the rest of the service passed in a blur, then it was time to go to bury him....the funeral director was lovely, took us to the car, told us it would be ok, did i feel strong enough to go to the graveside...well i had to, i had to see the final i guess...i remember walking over and looking into that dark hole..why do they put straw in the ground? then he arrived....i cant even put into words how that felt...his coffin being lowered into that hole in the ground...our pictures on top of him, it will never leave me..i remember saying really loudly that he would get cold, its too cold down there..how daft is that??? then throwing soil on him telling him to sleep well and keep our babies safe.....I really cant remember much of anything else that day....but somehow i got through it...you know life seems so very unfair sometimes......very unfair!

statement number two

there was another statement, well there where a few more 'interactions' with the police, I had to sign a press release..now that angered me! it wasn't news...you will never understand fully how much news impacts the families involved until its your family they are talking about! the release was simple, straight to the point, but it made me laugh when i read what was published on one page as it was already twisted round with bits that I hadnt signed.......the second statement is fast forwarding probably a week or 2, yep probably 2..I was driving back from town, just came over the hill and i saw the policeman in his car..his eyes locked on mine and i just knew he had been to my house...anyway get in the house, 5 mins later that knock on the door, they needed to know what to do with the 'stuff' that was taken from the house....*kick* it really does hit you like a physical pain...well i WAS NOT interested, I said I didnt want to know, but could I have his rings & his chain...I am still not sure why, but I guess its for the kids when they are older, I have a big old wardrobe here that i threw everything of his in, when we where renting a house for a few weeks, i came back here a couple of times by myself to clean up, make the place feel different,take the door down, and just try and stay, I couldnt just 'come back' with all the kids...to this day that wardrobe is still locked, i really wish i could set fire to it, but i know i cant, the kids will want happy memories when they are older, anyway of at a tangent there....his rings, his chain, yep no problem when can we bring them round? ....I said tommorow when the kids where all out, he agreed, but 20mins later the phone rang, they wanted me to go and collect his stuff that day, what a nightmare, I had sophie and half an hour till school pick up time...so i jumped in the car, whizzed down, and then was told i needed to make another statement to allow the police permission to dispose of the stuff I didnt want, to this day I dont know what that stuff was, other than what was visible on the day..so I said they had to be quick lol, I had to pick the kids up from the pantomine that school had taken them to in 10mins, its surreal i am sure i went into some kind of auto pilot mode, just fully focused on the kids and nothing more, formalities are just that...formalities...such a cold word, but hes dead, he made his choice...now everyday when i make a choice to look in the mirror pull my hair back, put my make up on I am choosing to live, and I have to for my babies, I am not allowed to be selfish, when I wobble, which I do quite a lot I am sure auto pilot kicks in again...what do the kids need? his rings are locked in a box, one day I will give them to the kids, I took my wedding ring & engagement ring off....i'm not married anymore. all for now

that statement

well where do you even start? .....one of the social workers took me down to the police station then the officers took us into a room, asked me if I wanted the social worker to stay..I said no, it didn't feel right, so she went back to help with the kids, and left me with the policeman younger than me, I could tell he was anxious, he had some stupid panda eyed woman sat in front of him ready to cry at any second...he was lovely, he truly was..so calming, I remember it was very strange, how was he in the run up to the 7th? how had his manner been? did he seem normal? how was your relationship? had you been arguing? did anything seem different/out of place...so many questions, and all in my heart I kept thinking was why, he wouldn't leave his kids, he wouldn't leave his kids...I remember looking into that police officers eyes and saying with crystal clarity 'do you think he did it on purpose?' that poor officer, no one will ever be able to answer that fully, but he said in his opinion that no, he thought it was a tragic accident, he just pushed it too far.....but in truth I will never know......not much of that interview sticks in my head, but one point that really does was working through the day of the 7th, we got up as normal, he had coffee, sat checking the weather, i got the kids sorted and took them to school then came home and got ready for work, he drove me to work, ASKED ME NOT TO GO...I hadn't been well, my pots had been playing up, but I still went, you know something sticks in my head and maybe I should say it maybe I shouldn't, but this blog is honesty so its better out than in..it sticks in my head that when we moved here he didn't work, whenever we spoke about him getting a job it was a bog standard response 'when you have put financially into this house as much as i have,then you can complain at me to get a job' ...that sticks and it hurts, so i went to work, i asked him to nip to tesco and pick me up some strawberry water as I have to keep my fluids up, so he did, he dropped it at work, and told me to ring him when I was on a break, well I did, I rang him at 11.30am...he was fine, he said he was doing his weather, fiddling with his pictures, he said he loved me...the last thing he said.....then nothing.....you see that was the last time I ever did and ever will speak to him...what happened between 11.30 and 1.45 i will NEVER know...and by god that is as hard as hell, I go over again and again and again in my head was anything different...was i being totally blind? and i just hand on heart do not know......it felt like a lifetime that i was in that interview room, all the questions, i remember saying to the police officer that on the night of the 6th we made love, you know, we were normal, i gave him anything he needed anytime so why wasn't i enough of a woman for him? that poor policeman, but its true, i feel in my heart that i wasn't enough..yet the police, the doctors..they tell me over and over its a compulsion, its like being addicted to drugs, its not controllable, well i know one damn thing, i listen, i always listen, i have to listen its the way my adult life has taught me, listen and speak when spoken too, i listen, he should have told me he was doing what he PROMISED he would never do again, now I only knew about the clothes...thetas all I knew, and he begged me to stay..he promised he could control it, why did i listen? WHY? I am so full of rage and anger and hate towards myself...from one aggressive bastard to another man who didn't care, didn't think and by god he knew the risks!!!! ...the policeman called an end to the interview when I just could not get anymore words out, I could do nothing but breathe and cry, hot angry tears....how the hell did this happen tears? ...i remember those first few days all i wanted to do was run away screaming, jump into the sea, take my life you know, whats the point in me without him? my kids deserve better, maybe they need a new start away from both of us...and still i look at them and think its such a lot of responsibility on my shoulders....so much for one person, how do i deal with questions like 'where do we send daddies birthday presents?' well I am still not sure how but I am getting there, the kids are smiling, the kids are happy, that makes my heart burst with pride and push silly thoughts to the back of my mind! MY BABIES NEED MUMMY!!!

day 1....8th december

What a surreal day, I remember sitting drinking coffee with my best friend, the kids sleeping soundly, I was so grateful they could sleep....sitting and thinking 'oh crap what happens now' ....I cant remember if anyone else had arrived by the time i decided the kids needed hot chocolate & a mountain of sweets before I walked down to town, I know it was early but I cant remember, I think i left my friend with all the kids as the centre was in town so i wasn't long, I remember standing in the co-op and crying like an idiot, not knowing what to do, grabbing everything sweet in sight,paying, then running round the corner, the contact centre is on the same street as the police station, two officers where walking down the street, they saw me and asked me to go with them to calm down and just sit, but i didn't i couldn't, i just told them i needed to get back to the kids......at that point I think the social worker was back, and another social worker was sorting the kids to go to the park, the psychologist was telling me they where sorting accommodation for my family as they couldn't stay with me, then i was taken to another building, not quite sure where but a nice woman gave me a pile of towels and took me to a shower, told me to freshen up then i was taken to speak to a councillor, now that was hard, she was one of my friends, we used to work together..so I couldn't really talk to her, we decided on practical things to tackle, so we went to get money from the cash machine in case cards where stopped as they where in his name, then to buy pj's for the kids...practical things, before going back to the contact centre..my friend and social workers with the kids...I just cant describe it at all, I cant ever thank my friend enough, and she will never grasp just what she did for me night one/day one and everyday since...when we got back there was tonnes of shopping, work had done it, the police had delivered it..was such a nice thing to do you know, such a kind thing in a world of chaos...then the social workers saying I needed to give my statement to the police, i remember several times thinking they where going to arrest me for being a bad wife, they where going to arrest me for not getting him down...really crazy thoughts...and the policeman dealing with it all is younger than me, I kept going over and over apologising and saying he shouldn't have had to see that..the poor soul earned his stripes that day! and if there was ever someone in my eyes who deserves a medal its him, he was so kind, so caring & so patient with me...the stupid 29 year old who was obviously a trainwreck...more on the statement later, I cant write anymore right now.....

night one....

The house was effectively 'taken off me' he had to go back to the mainland for a post mortem and I couldn't have control back of the house until the post mortem was done just incase anything was missed..throws up a big problem, where do one mum and 5 little kids go? theres alot of us and we have no family up here...the psychologist, a really lovely man said he had sorted accomodation,i left the kids at school why the police brought me back to the house to get some stuff to see us through, I can remember the police just leaving the house with bags of 'stuff' as i arrived - i dont know what, and i dont want to...then i remember coming in, the back the door had been boarded, glass everywhere and I just couldn't think where anything was, the bags i packed where such a random mix of totally un neccesary things, then i went to my bedroom, stood looking at the door, i really don't know how i kept it together i was aware that i was talking utter nonsense and telling the police i was fine i just needed to get stuff...his jumper was lay on the bed, i picked it up but they said i had to leave it i couldn't take anything from our room..so off we went again back to school to get the tribe, the kids split between two unmarked police cars, with un uniformed officers..see they wanted to try and keep things normal..we were taken into a room full of toys, a strange building, a contact centre...one of my biggest triggers! so that was a nightmare in itself, the kids excited by so many toys....asking where beds were, well there were no beds, sleeping bags..donated by the territorial army, just two rooms, lots of strangers, lots of toys, me & my kids.....i cant explain how strange it felt...my best friend was coming to stay with us, for that first night, my family where travelling up, it all felt so surreal you know! ....the stranger went to get chips for the kids, sat them at the table, i'm trying so desperatly hard to wake up, just to go home you know, its not real, it cant be...a while later my best friend walked in with her youngest daughter & her partner..I guess thats the first time it really hit me..hes not coming back! ..the psychologist left, the social worker left....what a mess! its all I can think to say, I cant even remember most of that night....only over analysing things over and over, it must have been an accident, why did i stay? why didnt i leave? why did he beg me to stay? why did he make promises he couldn't keep? you see he was my safety net, he held me when i was scared, my whole life...in a nutshell...all the pain, all the nightmares, all the fears...well it felt as if i had been plunged back years..back in another contact centre, this time it wasn't because of any physical abuse....just mental torture, plain and simple, the image that man has placed in my head, it will never be erased...just another nightmare on a pile of nightmares...damaged goods thats what I amount too, damaged goods.

Waves Hello....part one

Well folk keep suggesting I write things down, create a blog, a place to vent, scream,smile,cry,yell.....well on the 7th December 2012 at 1.45pm the dynamics of my life changed forever...this blog is I guess a focus on the future...doing everything I can just a step at a time, my focus very much is my babies, I have five children aged 11,9,8,6 & 4...so as you can guess life can get hectic, the last few months really have been such a rollercoaster of emotions.....I can't actually put my feeling's into words, but I do feel I am finally making some kind of steps to being happy Linzi again.....I shall update daily if possible, everyday with something that has made everyone here happy.....I guess post one should be my story..how I cam to be widowed at 29 with 5 littleones...
Well that's not an easy story, its certainly not a 'normal' story...it feels at though my adult years have been littered with pain, and just as things are stable & settled *boom!* here comes my biggest challenge..I wont go into all details as there's reasons why I cant, but my husband came into my life at a time when I really more than ever needed help, its not right to say he helped me...its fair to say he saved me...we would have been married 8 years this march, my first anniversary on my own was hard, but for much different reasons than people think....that day 7th december it will always remain vivid in my mind...I had a phone call to say our youngest daughter hadn't been picked up from nursery, well I was at work, it had happened a few times before so i thought he was on the computer and had lost track of time again, I rang home, no answer, I rang my Friend to come and check, another phone call to say the door was locked, curtains shut, so she went to pick up our daughter as my boss drove me home, I didn't have my car as I hadn't been well myself....I couldn't get in so picked up a brick and started smashing the glass door, I will never forget it, my whole life...everything was going through my mind, hes had an accident, a heart attack? fallen down the stairs? ...nope, I managed to get through the door, what a mess, I didn't even realise my shoes where full of glass, didn't even feel it...well I wont go into graphic details but what I found was not my husband, I vaguely remember my boss talking to me, then me screaming at the poor 999 woman, then trying so hard to get him down, I can  remember the ambulance seeming to take ages, me screaming I couldn't get him down, then the ambulance and police all seemed to be there at once, the ambulance woman taking machines in and me thinking 'well they have machines' they will save him, there's hope, he can go and get help...I remember being literally carried into a police car and screaming, the ambulance woman came out, said sorry and shook her head..I remember shouting you cant leave him, you cant just leave him, he has 5 kids! I remember screaming that my friend would be back with my daughter in a minute, but it was ok the police had gone to school,then I remember being sat in my Friends front room with a policeman, a psychologist & the headmaster, I had to tell my poor babies daddy was dead, well I will NEVER forgive him, i remember walking into the classroom all the kids, lots of teachers and sitting down trying so hard to formulate what to say, that conversation will never leave me, those 10 eyes falling apart before me, 'daddy has gone to heaven,he was really,really tired so he's gone to be the biggest brightest star in the sky, he will always been looking over keeping us all safe and I am so,so sorry that he had to go,I'm so sorry he had to leave,hes gone to sleep forever with the angels, but i promise you all we will be ok, we will be happy, I will look after you and love you enough for me & daddy forever' its funny how the words stick in your head, my poor,brave babies ....then I guess my nightmare began, why couldn't he have let me go years ago? why did he beg me to stay? ...you see people are saying suicide, it wasn't suicide, it was stupid, and I will never forgive him....but I cant let this ruin me, I'm 29...people expect me to live in black and cry, well I cry for my children with no father, I cry for them but I don't cry for me....if I could bring him back I would rewind the clock and leave all those years ago, but the brutal honest truth was I felt I owed him, he saved me, I owed him...well non of us deserved this! .......so I guess thats one part of my story...the most recent fuck up! .....onwards and upwards is becoming my motto..........xxxxxx