the funeral

Well this was never going to be an easy post...the police had moved us to a b&b after being in the contact centre, then moved to a refuge, it was really taking its toll, i wasnt in a good place at all, the police where amazing i have to say, we all got to the b&b and all stayed on the top floor out of the way yet with the comfort of having a shower...it was so surreal, the first morning there I had been for a walk to clear my head and got back to find the police waiting for me, the post mortem was done, nothing un expected so I was handed my keys back and told that my husbands body had been released back to me i needed to contact the funeral directors....well i didnt want to, it was as plain and simple as that, i didnt have a clue what to do/ where to start / just kept thinking this should not be my job, i shouldn't have to do this....

in the end the headmaster from school arranged for a chaplain to come and see me at the b&b....my family took the kids out so i could talk to him on my own, well in truth i didnt say much to the chaplain, what do you say? he was a lovely man, calming, listened to what i did have to say..which i honestly can't remember...he left then a few mins later rang to say which day the funeral would be.....i told people then a lovely friend rang and stopped me in my tracks, talked to me openly & honestly about the funeral i had booked, she said to change it..it would be more fitting, so thats what i did, i changed his funeral to the salvation army, i went to see the lovely man there, arranged a song..now how do you pick a funeral song? i also said it would be me that spoke at the funeral, i was his wife, it was my job to speak as i knew him, well i thought i knew him...so that was changed, the date was set.....next stop outfits, now what the hell do you buy for a funeral? i didnt want black, i remember looking very lost in the shop and an assistant asking if i was looking for a christmas party outfit..if only :( i told her very matter of factly that no i was looking for something for my husbands funeral...that wasnt very nice of me, but there just wasnt anything else i could say...i eventually decided then went back to the kids, they where happily playing on just dance, it was so good to see them having fun, they will never realise how much there smiles & laughter pull me through bad days.

the kids i had decided where to young to go to daddys funeral, i hadnt been to see him, i was advised against it, so i didnt want my kids having a lasting image of however i would be the minute i saw that coffin...well now i know i made the right decision.

the morning of the funeral was beautiful, everywhere was icy & white, it was freezing cold but the sun was shining so it really did make everything look like it was sparkling.....i dont believe in signs, or anything like that, but i was comforted a bit by just how beautiful that morning looked...having a shower and getting dressed, i remember sitting on the floor just telling myself over and over and over 'you can do this' ..i didnt want my babies to see my crying, i was just going saying a happy goodbye, sleep well...not a bad one....it was by far one of the hardest moments of my life walking into the room with the kids and trying to hold everything together that day, but i did..i didnt fall apart...not yet....i told the kids i loved them and i wouldnt be long....

walking into the salvation army, well that image..that coffin, i had said no flowers, he didnt like flowers, but i had ordered a heart off the kids in roses, and i had taken a picture of us on our wedding day and the new picture of all 5 of our tribe together so he wouldnt be buried on his own...that coffin, it wasnt very big..i didnt know what i really expected, but i remember telling him he was stupid & selfish...i couldnt stay in that room, so went next door, i could hear voices, the room filling up...i could feel myself shaking it was horrible, a physical pain...then it was our turn to go back in, the hall was full, so many people came to pay there respects...i dont know how i got through, there was a prayer, a hymn was sang then it was my turn to speak, i hadn't written anything down, i thought i would speak from my heart, but i honestly did not know if my legs would hold me up...i said when we moved here he always said he had found his heaven on earth, he loved lewis, he loved everything about here and we moved here to be happy & bring up our kids in heaven..well i cant really remember much else, i kissed his coffin and went to sit back down...the rest of the service passed in a blur, then it was time to go to bury him....the funeral director was lovely, took us to the car, told us it would be ok, did i feel strong enough to go to the graveside...well i had to, i had to see the final i guess...i remember walking over and looking into that dark hole..why do they put straw in the ground? then he arrived....i cant even put into words how that felt...his coffin being lowered into that hole in the ground...our pictures on top of him, it will never leave me..i remember saying really loudly that he would get cold, its too cold down there..how daft is that??? then throwing soil on him telling him to sleep well and keep our babies safe.....I really cant remember much of anything else that day....but somehow i got through it...you know life seems so very unfair sometimes......very unfair!