Waves Hello....part one

Well folk keep suggesting I write things down, create a blog, a place to vent, scream,smile,cry,yell.....well on the 7th December 2012 at 1.45pm the dynamics of my life changed forever...this blog is I guess a focus on the future...doing everything I can just a step at a time, my focus very much is my babies, I have five children aged 11,9,8,6 & 4...so as you can guess life can get hectic, the last few months really have been such a rollercoaster of emotions.....I can't actually put my feeling's into words, but I do feel I am finally making some kind of steps to being happy Linzi again.....I shall update daily if possible, everyday with something that has made everyone here happy.....I guess post one should be my story..how I cam to be widowed at 29 with 5 littleones...
Well that's not an easy story, its certainly not a 'normal' story...it feels at though my adult years have been littered with pain, and just as things are stable & settled *boom!* here comes my biggest challenge..I wont go into all details as there's reasons why I cant, but my husband came into my life at a time when I really more than ever needed help, its not right to say he helped me...its fair to say he saved me...we would have been married 8 years this march, my first anniversary on my own was hard, but for much different reasons than people think....that day 7th december it will always remain vivid in my mind...I had a phone call to say our youngest daughter hadn't been picked up from nursery, well I was at work, it had happened a few times before so i thought he was on the computer and had lost track of time again, I rang home, no answer, I rang my Friend to come and check, another phone call to say the door was locked, curtains shut, so she went to pick up our daughter as my boss drove me home, I didn't have my car as I hadn't been well myself....I couldn't get in so picked up a brick and started smashing the glass door, I will never forget it, my whole life...everything was going through my mind, hes had an accident, a heart attack? fallen down the stairs? ...nope, I managed to get through the door, what a mess, I didn't even realise my shoes where full of glass, didn't even feel it...well I wont go into graphic details but what I found was not my husband, I vaguely remember my boss talking to me, then me screaming at the poor 999 woman, then trying so hard to get him down, I can  remember the ambulance seeming to take ages, me screaming I couldn't get him down, then the ambulance and police all seemed to be there at once, the ambulance woman taking machines in and me thinking 'well they have machines' they will save him, there's hope, he can go and get help...I remember being literally carried into a police car and screaming, the ambulance woman came out, said sorry and shook her head..I remember shouting you cant leave him, you cant just leave him, he has 5 kids! I remember screaming that my friend would be back with my daughter in a minute, but it was ok the police had gone to school,then I remember being sat in my Friends front room with a policeman, a psychologist & the headmaster, I had to tell my poor babies daddy was dead, well I will NEVER forgive him, i remember walking into the classroom all the kids, lots of teachers and sitting down trying so hard to formulate what to say, that conversation will never leave me, those 10 eyes falling apart before me, 'daddy has gone to heaven,he was really,really tired so he's gone to be the biggest brightest star in the sky, he will always been looking over keeping us all safe and I am so,so sorry that he had to go,I'm so sorry he had to leave,hes gone to sleep forever with the angels, but i promise you all we will be ok, we will be happy, I will look after you and love you enough for me & daddy forever' its funny how the words stick in your head, my poor,brave babies ....then I guess my nightmare began, why couldn't he have let me go years ago? why did he beg me to stay? ...you see people are saying suicide, it wasn't suicide, it was stupid, and I will never forgive him....but I cant let this ruin me, I'm 29...people expect me to live in black and cry, well I cry for my children with no father, I cry for them but I don't cry for me....if I could bring him back I would rewind the clock and leave all those years ago, but the brutal honest truth was I felt I owed him, he saved me, I owed him...well non of us deserved this! .......so I guess thats one part of my story...the most recent fuck up! .....onwards and upwards is becoming my motto..........xxxxxx