Blame

Blame is a funny word...I sit and think, didn't I show him enough that I loved him, I told him everyday I loved him, I don't know maybe I was trying to convince myself when deep down I knew things where wrong, we didn't have a normal relationship, not that normal is even normal...but you know I can sit and say what I like because hes dead and therefore cannot argue anything, but in truth this blog I guess helps because I can be honest, I can vent and rage, and speak unspoken truths, not meaning to cause pain to anyone but to help me...... I keep thinking we moved here so that we could give a better life to the kids, more freedom, more stability...now its all ripped away! and who do i blame? you want me to be honest? I blame ME! and why? because I SHOULD have had the bottle to go, that first time I should have gone, the second time I should have run for the fucking hills....but I didn't so its my fucking fault I let him hurt us, I cant get that image out of my head, its there, its always going to be there, me slapping him, shouting at him to wake up, stop being stupid is always going to be there, and the fact what he had done was so complex, so thought out, its always going to be there, if it was a rope the knife would have gone through no problem,he was still warm when I touched his skin,he wasn't cold if it was rope maybe he would have survived but on the other hand maybe the last thing he heard was me screaming at him,me slapping him, why the fuck was he doing it??!!??! he must have known if it went wrong A.. i would find him and B..i would be stuck here, I cant get out of this house! I cant sell it and move as I wont be able to buy a 4 bed detached house in a quiet area for what I get for this in a million years!!! I cant realistically rent as there are too many rules/regs I dont understand, so I have to stay here! it feels like a really cruel parting shot! I can dream one day I will win the lottery but its never going to happy, I know the fact that these four walls are mine mortgage free is a really good thing in this day and age, but I would happily run away screaming..infact I nearly have! ....sometimes its hard to breathe, I have let the kids have a total free run since he died and now getting any level of control over the house just isnt happening, I dont have the energy to battle, and to be honest I want the kids smiling and nothing else...but when is it going to get easier? these walls feel suffocating, I cannot sit in the living room on my own in the evenings I just cant do it, which is strange, but the more I think of it when I found him he was the living room side of the door...the bedroom is off the living room, we knocked a wall down just before he died, now I would give anything to have that wall back, seperation, difference...its strange, the kids go to bed, I go to bed, watch utter crap on the telly in the hope I just conk out...its no fun.....why did i not accept that things wern't right? well thats another thing, jon saved me, my life before jon was horrendous, no one should have to live in a refuge with a small child, no one should have a second child through no choice of there own, jon saved me, but now in a cruel twist of fate he has left me trapped in a house I cannot escape! ....why me? I must have been a total bitch in a previous life because I tell you now karma is kicking me like a bitch...just fuck off and leave me alone, give me a break, let me breathe!