letting go....

Its funny because yesterday one of my facebook statuses read.... and for my next trick.....i am going to let it all out, then say fuck it, no more tears....no ones going to hurt me anymore! .....I have a holiday to pack for! .............. 

I think I took it literally as last night was a total meltdown, and I am not ashamed to admit it! Its going to happen from time to time....but less and less as time goes on until eventually I have nothing left to get angry about! I said stupid things that made people I love worry yesterday, which I meant at the time but I meant them out of anger....I look at my 5 beautiful babies and think its so unfair! but each and everytime I think its so unfair I also think its up to me to fix things, turn unfair upside down and keep them smiling! its is very quickly creeping towards 6 months, half a year...and yes its strange, but out of strange is creeping a happier Linzi again, so I apologise to people who I worried yesterday, in life we all have 'blips' but in all honesty I have alot of reasons to remain breathing, as painful as it gets from time to time, all I need to do is sit and think of all the positives................ 

1. first and foremost my beautiful babies

2. my wonderful amazing friends/family including a very special friend!!! - very lucky girl I am

3. I think the fact that I am still here is a positive as the darker moments where it would have been so easy to just give up haven't defeated me - and no matter what they wont! 

4. we do live in a beautiful place with beautiful beaches and clean fresh air

5. my house is my house....I WILL make it my HOME again...its just going to take time!! 

6.I have learned that trust should be earned, not just given..a harsh lesson but a positive one as it makes me look in the mirror and really think I need to toughen up! 

7. I can drive past the graveyard with the kids in the car now without getting into a blind panic about anyone asking questions - a random positive I know, but I havent taken the kids there, and I wont, which is my choice, my decision and it feels right right now

8. I am planning an amazing summer, new memories, happy memories, lots of smiles, lots and lots and lots of love!!! 

9. may be the bottom of my list but its not the least positive infact its the hardest positive to accept yet the one I really really need to focus on....it is possible to be happy & to be loved without rules, restrictions, constantly feeling your not doing right for doing wrong! ...love unconditionally really does exist! 

10. Life is for living, not for mourning what has passed, thats a positive for me, god only knows there are alot of people who expect me to live my life in black and sit falling apart in a corner, but thats not me, I am choosing to live my life!!!! 

you see BETTER times ahead Linzi....better times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx