the simple truth............

I am seeming to be having a hard time with this house at the minute, its feels in a sense like a prison I guess...and yes I know how extreme that sounds, but I find myself just feeling trapped..I thought I had come up with a master plan, rent this place then rent a new place with the money, but I cant...it would become a taxable income, I am self employed too so I know it wouldn't work out, so here I stay....my only option is to change the place, knock down walls, re structure, but its so strange, at 29 god only knows I know I am lucky that these walls cannot be taken away, no mortgage, no debts, no nothing...but that's just it, no nothing....no nothing but pain here...so it NEEDS to change, I need to focus.....that's my next step...... accepting that what happened wasn't my fault is another step I need to focus on, that's not so easy...I KNOW I couldn't have changed what I didn't know, but I know I could have changed my decision to stay.....then I get stuck in a vicious circle, I hate me, I blame me, I hate me, I blame me..see! when in truth total truth I found the man I thought was my 'husband' hanging on the back of my bedroom door, in my clothes, with some twisted way of how he had done it, wires, padlocks....how? and you know I keep thinking my clothes? why? padlocks..why? ....and the policeman interviewing me asking me to describe what he was wearing, asking me if that was everything...well it was everything I could allow myself to remember... did I see he was wearing a bra? HE! HE! HE! ....no I didn't see, or at least I didn't register it if i did...so you see that's the TRUTH... the plain simple nitty gritty, the what 'HE'  did, the how 'HE' left me.............I wish people would stop, think & listen TO ME rather than rumours, knock on my door...ask me what HE did, don't spread lies & bullshit, because it was NOT SUICIDE..it was recorded as accidental death, his sick, twisted game was not meant to be a 'way out of a bad marriage' god only knows we had no perfect marriage, who does? he didn't love me, I know that in my heart, I lived that everyday but I still stayed! my choice, for my children....you see everything I do I do with my children's best interest at heart, the decisions I make I never make without considering them first, so now why people are running around banging on there jungle drums..bang this....ITS MY LIFE! MY CHOICES! MY DECISIONS....judge someone else for a change!