make or break may

well 5 months has flown by, I was dreading may, its the start of the birthday season, everyone says the 'firsts' are the hardest, and I cant really put properly into words how much it hurts inside, my babies never,ever deserved this..they don't deserve birthdays with no sign of daddy, it makes me so angry...total meltdown in the card shop, trying to find a daughter card, every one seems relevant to be from mum & dad, everyone another stab in the heart, I think people mistake my tears as missing him, they couldn't be further from the truth, my tears are for my babies, little things normal families take for granted you know, simple little things like i love you, my amber our second youngest was closest to daddy, he called her his golden bear, and I can see in her eyes shes hurting, and I cant fix it! I am dreading monday, Amy is 10 double figures for my beautiful princess, but last year she was 'our' beautiful princess, the dynamics of EVERYTHING have changed, and I throw my hands up and say I am not managing may at all, its only the 4th :( I feel like I am walking blind into unknown territory, everything rests on my shoulders...everything is so much harder than it used to be, I am trying so hard to sort childcare to go back to work but I am just hitting brick walls, I have re-opened the business but juggling the business with looking after the kids and the house is another challenge I have to get used to, the house is a tip, I am trying to sort it, but again little things, I was sorting the girls rooms and found a letter 'I hate daddy because mummy cries every night now when she thinks I dont know' ...how do you fix that? its just not fair!!!! I just want may to fuck off in one sense, but the other hand I am focusing on giving the kids the best birthdays ever! we are having a massive party next weekend, a joint party for amy & connor..I am focusing on that, but monday is my biggest hurdle yet, I cant think about monday without crying, christ knows how but I will stay strong and I wont fall apart in front of the kids......I never ever dreamed my life would be like this, I never dreamed anyone would hold that much power in my life that it would even be possible to fuck up so much!! I wish I could rewind the clock and be stronger all those years ago, I would be a stronger person and walk away the kids would still have a dad! I keep having the same nightmare over and over too, its me on that door, i dont know how i got there but i cant breathe,and the kids find me,i wake up in a mess, it feels so real, i hate it, i know hate is a strong word but its how i feel...please invent a magic wand, or a time machine, just something, anything to make things different...i would be forever in debt to you!