Well we made it through May!!! ....thank god!!! two birthdays, two more 'firsts'....I took the tribe away this week, they had a great time...I kept smiling, life feels hard, but at the same time I am achieving so much that I never thought that I could, even simple things like driving a long way is a first for me, taking the kids away on my own is a first, it was hard especially on days out, 'normal' families, you know a mum & a dad, now I know that 'normal' doesn't really exist but still everyones normality is different! One thing I am really learning is the amount of people who are only here for me when there is a gain out of it for them, now I wont go into specifics on here..except I need to get A LOT stronger!!! although it might not look to others like I am trying to get stronger I really am!! I get up everyday and paint on my smile, its easy to paint it on, its not as easy to hold my hands up and say somedays I just cant cope! some nights I go to bed and see him, it makes me angry as hell.....6 months have passed this week, if I look back to who I was 6 months ago to who I am today I really do see 2 different people, I am finding a 'new me' slowly but surely...hopefully a happier than Linzi has ever been Linzi, but time will tell, my bad days are my battles at the minute, stupid things I need to stop...but I will, because I know I can, lots of my friends keep saying write a book, not just on what happened, but I do feel there is a big 'hush,hush' over the extremes that some people will go to for sexual gratification, which is what he died from when all the bullshit is cut out... to be 29 to go from one very abusive relationship to another with someone that I feel I didnt know is hard, but I am still here, I am still breathing, and one day I will be able to stand up and help other people work through pain, I have started writing that book, rolled right back to being 17, having my son, that 'man' ....its going to take a long time, but I feel in someway by writing things down I am dealing with my demons....if I could roll things back I would not change my babies for the world, and for that very reason they will ALWAYS remain my focus! One day I will have to look deep into there eyes and tell them the truth, the whole truth and by then I hope I will have beaten ALL my demons and be strong enough to help them with theres....as in truth they have demons, they just havent met them yet and as long as I live & breathe I will never forgive Jon for that...WE DESERVED BETTER!!!
Back to the memories...happy times ...............
these pictures make me smile..they also tug at my heart strings because is rams home to me how much he has left behind in the kids, they are beautiful, amazing little people who he will never watch grow up...such a stupid man!!
the last rather random picture is my 'wall of inspiration' it keeps on growing! some folk think it looks a mess, but to me each & every thing on that wall has a meaning...a focus....happiness! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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