moving forwards......

:) Its been a long while - check the :) !!!! lots has changed much more than I wish to write here!!! soooooooooo onwards and upwards a step at a time - A new blog is on the horizon :) watch this space!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

A year to this day...

christ knows why I decided to sit and write again, its been a while, I don't know? so much has happened this past year but december - its hurting, really hurting, there seems to be a link to everyday, take today for example, bang on a year since his body was released back to me, as was the house, I remember going downstairs in the b&b and being greeted by the police, they gave me my keys back, I remember asking them to see him, to try and over ride the image he left me with but no, not possible, remember him as he was, well you see that's a fucking massive brick wall because all I see is the image he left me with, this year has been without a shadow of a doubt the hardest year of my life, and I hope it will be the hardest year I will ever have to face, my babies, you see they will always be my babies- have really made my heart burst with pride, there bravery, but then the really screwed part of me looks at them and thinks they deserve so much more than me, believe me this year more than ever, I have tried so hard, so hard to keep them smiling, but they wobble, just like I do, they wobble - I wobble, and I hate crying infront of them, I am trying to fix my screwed parts, but that's scary, honesty - honesty, that's a very big important word to me, always has and always will be, well I was honest with my doctor, really honest - didn't go down well and I still haven't found the courage to take the next steps, I still haven't found the courage to go back god only knows I need too, my babies need me..but - and the but is the problem....so much has changed, moved back to the mainland, got a job - not started, don't feel strong enough, cant bring myself to re-open the business, I don't know, then there's my new partner, hes amazing, I have literally known him all my life - we grew up next door but one too each other, but then I am pushing him away, I am poison you see - I must be, how do you get to 30 only having 2 real relationships? the first really abusive and then the second well yep, that ended well - not! you see I cant work it out, I cant.......life.....hell? self pitying very possibly - but right now I feel trapped in this big black hole I can't escape from - I just cant get out, christmas is another hurdle, jon was buried on the 18th december, less than a week before christmas eve, I cannot remember christmas day last year - I cant, why did he have to pick such a selfish time of year to push it too far? why did he have to do it at all? you see he could have spoken to me, he should have spoken to me - blank, blank, blank :(

Moving on

Well I haven't posted on here for such a long time I moved away from the island not because of anybody other than myself and really feeling I needed to be away for a while, it wasn't working and god only knows I tried, I miss my friends - my real friends, but in honesty the kids are so much happier down here, they have relatives around they can go and visit, they are all in new schools, one reason I guess I am writing this is I know you read it I am not stupid! As far as I am concerned people drift apart, people get hurt, people move on, there's no story to have any sides too! I have so much bigger things to deal with, please stop! It's really not called for! I don't even really know where it all went wrong but you guys should understand that my focus is my babies will always be my babies, it's really not nice to move away then still hear the jungle drums, let us live in peace, you still have your family your life up there embrace it, be happy

schools out for summer???

another HARD day, kids broke up for the summer holidays, I had to make the agonising decision to keep my son back for another year in primary school, as in all honesty he has lost the last 6 months of his education, it wasn't an easy decision to make, and hes being so grown up about it! but nothing could have prepared me for picking him up, so many tears connor & all his friends, the harsh realisation that his Friends are going to high school and he isn't .........he feels left behind :( now I feel totally, utterly shite..........its so hard being a mum, but let me tell you being a mum & a dad in this situation feels like hell on earth on days like today.............now theres long weeks ahead and its down to me to make summer special, thats not an easy task as everywhere on the island we have been, and I dont want the whole summer to be filled with 'we came here with daddy' .....its just not easy!!! its not easy AT ALL!!!!!!!! ........more positive news in that I am focusing on the future, opening a new shop in stornoway, I was sat on the windowsill in the shop yesterday thinking 'this is it!....this is the brighter future' ......and I know alot of people think I am bonkers, but for me, moving forwards seems logical, I am so scared if I look back I will fall to pieces, why the hell did he leave us like this? what did any of us do to deserve this? its hard, its so hard!!!!!!!!!!

RAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I thought I had finally found some help.............wrong!

reasons to smile

no words, just happy pictures :D

building foundations...

Well I decided I need to really start trying to work on what happens in the future, the days seem to merge into one long stretch of time at the minute, my focus is trying to get some support to help the kids, help them deal with anger I guess, connor is very angry, and I guess he takes it out on me because he doesn't know what else to do, I love my babies with all my heart, some days are really lots harder than others, I have been hunting around to find any ideas that might help and stumbled across a fair few charities, all of which I have contacted, I also booked myself onto a 'widowed young' weekend, I hope meeting people who can really understand how I feel will give me a chance to deal with issues that I really cant talk to other people about, I feel it really is about time that things changed for the better, I am getting to the point where I feel I really am starting to push people away and I hate that, but I know I cant spend the rest of my life shut away..it wasnt my fault, I am also working really hard to get back into new premises and show the kids life really does go on, new chapters?

do you feel?

sometimes it feels hard to breathe, I wish people would stop blaming me, stop hurting me, it wasnt me who made him do what he did, it was his game, his obession? I dont know, I never will know, but sometimes I wish It was me who wasn't breathing anymore..then I remember I need to be strong, I need to stay strong, i need to try harder

graduation.........

My little baby graduated from nursery today, I still have to get used to saying 'my' instead of 'ours' ..it was lovely, but pretty heart turning, another stark reminder of just how much that man left behind, my Little Sophie is 5 tommorow, the years have flown by...I look at pictures of when she was born, bang on 6lbs, little princess, back then things where so different........shes going to have an amazing day tommorow, and I WILL NOT fall apart, I cant, but I dont know, theres something about Sophie, shes so young...all the kids are young, but still I wonder what she will ever remember of daddy, if anything, when she is older? that man was a prick, and yet I sit again having to try and piece things back together....birthdays these year are the hardest, so much harder than words..............

my karma?

whoever you are 'anonymous' ..and no not you...the 'karma' one...if this is my karma then I thankyou for your kind words, and also thankyou to rot, have you not noticed me ignoring your comments yet? GROW UP! ...no one asked you to read this and quite frankly the world is ugly enough without another troll..so run along now....the playgrounds that way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Just sometimes.....

I sit and I think, I think how much things are changing......fathers day yesterday, now that was a bit of a fuck up to be honest, the kids wanted to go to a beach down in Harris and send balloon's up to dad, now its not for me to say no, its for me to say 'yes we can do that' now they haven't asked to do anything specific like that before, maybe its a turning point for them? ...Well off we went in the evening, I wanted to try and catch a sunset for them, but me being me I went the wrong way, totally, ended up at a beach yes, but bosta beach, and the tide was in, so all we could see was a graveyard - this wasn't one of my best moments! however the kids did what they needed to do, me hiding behind my trusty sunglasses, you see if it gets hard then sunglasses cover teary eyes ;) I was so proud of them, they didn't cry, they really didnt even get upset, they wrote letters and tied them to the balloons at home, I didn't read them as to be honest I didn't want to, but I stood and watched them, they said they loved daddy, then came for a big hug.......not quite sure how I didnt fall apart but I didnt, I guess its because deep down I know my life is not in the past anymore, it cant be, I owe my babies a happier mummy and I know in myself somewhere I deserve better than to be hurting, he cant hurt me anymore than he did,no one ever could, so if keep thinking that NO MATTER WHAT I know the worst pain in my life is done ( I cant see me finding anyone else like that) then the only way is up? ..cliched but true,..but it doesn't mean blips don't happen, it doesnt mean I dont do silly things that I really know I shouldnt and then end up ashamed of myself for being so weak! .......
we all got back in the car and screeched and screamed down the hill at bosta, much to the hilarity of the kids...but you see they where laughing, smiling, singing HAPPY....... things are changing, slowly but surely...... as long as they are smiling I know deep down that somewhere I must be doing something right...and thats a step in the right direction...god only knows there are bloody big demons to slay yet...but for now we got through another 'first' the kids are happy.....

miserable......

Its been a horrible week, not gone a day without collapsing in a big heap, my health is causing me so many problems right now, its scary :( 5 kids and a poorly mummy is not easy.......trying to get stronger, trying to get better..but fighting a loosing battle, I feel like I am closing off from the world more...going into hiding I guess, I hope these feelings of horrible uselessness pass quickly.......I know there are people in the world who care, I just dont FEEL it right now, I just feel numb, numb and really sore......my body is sore.........but I guess I am still breathing, still here, should quit moaning.........self pitying why me? bollocks.........dust yourself off and take each day as it comes....such a cliche, maybe one day that next day wont come.

learning to live

I think sometimes its really easy to get sucked up in all the negativity, god only knows many millions of people in the world would wish for a magic wand or a time machine, for various reasons, but deep,deep down we all know that is never going to happen....we all say things, we all do things we don't mean, but some people push it TOO HARD...they move the goalposts and change every aspect of your life that you had become accustomed too I guess, you fall into a routine, normal things, boring things...but boring things that mattered at some point or other......

Fathers day is fast approaching, another one that I dont know what to do with, another kick in the teeth, its funny because when he was alive he said it was a con, an excuse to get people to part with there money, but he didnt complain on the day when the kids spoiled him.......hes never going to get that again and that was his stupid choice, but the kids......I cant shelter them forever, all I can do is learn how to work through things, hard things, my motto is 'everything will be ok in the end' .......its funny really because what If the end isn't ok?

what if we push people away because we dont know how to be 'normal'? we really want them close, but it hurts because we constantly over think things, we constantly read between the lines, see things that dont exist...you see I would love to be one of those happy folk that exist without 'problems' I would love to be carefree, I would love to be able to just find myself...but its not that simple..........nothing worth fighting for is ever simple......but I push the boundaries, damaged goods, ruined, fat, ugly, horrible, I am scared I am going to push too hard...I guess

And I would also love to be one of those people who didn't trust the wrong people, the word hate is a horrible word and there really are only 2 people in the world i hate, one who's gone, and the other well if there was a legal way I could get rid of him then I would in a heartbeat..other than that there is no one I HATE and if you have reason to think I hate you then you have a reason to feel that way through your own actions, not mine........

my life now, well its getting better....better........I hope, I feel it is, but deep down I am PETRIFIED i am going to fuck it up, hapiness cant be that hard can it? I hope not, I hope its as simple as it feels...........thats it I guess....onwards.......forwards......never back!

I am learning everyday that I can live, I dont need to worry about what other people think, but on the same hand it always matters to me what people think, thats just me, I am sorry for reading between the lines, I am sorry for trying to see things that aren't there.....sorry is a word I use a lot right now.........

fuck you

I am cross, I need to switch off, I need to stop hurting myself, i need to calm down...you wanker :( you total utter WANKER!! and yes swearing isnt very ladylike, but if you treated me like a lady then you would have thought of ME and the impact it would have in My life finding you there just like a fucking woman...I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY ME, WHY THE FUCK ME???????????????????????/ YOU SELFISH SELFISH MAN!!!!

making new memories

Well we made it through May!!! ....thank god!!! two birthdays, two more 'firsts'....I took the tribe away this week, they had a great time...I kept smiling, life feels hard, but at the same time I am achieving so much that I never thought that I could, even simple things like driving a long way is a first for me, taking the kids away on my own is a first, it was hard especially on days out, 'normal' families, you know a mum & a dad, now I know that 'normal' doesn't really exist but still everyones normality is different! One thing I am really learning is the amount of people who are only here for me when there is a gain out of it for them, now I wont go into specifics on here..except I need to get A LOT stronger!!! although it might not look to others like I am trying to get stronger I really am!! I get up everyday and paint on my smile, its easy to paint it on, its not as easy to hold my hands up and say somedays I just cant cope! some nights I go to bed and see him, it makes me angry as hell.....6 months have passed this week, if I look back to who I was 6 months ago to who I am today I really do see 2 different people, I am finding a 'new me' slowly but surely...hopefully a happier than Linzi has ever been Linzi, but time will tell, my bad days are my battles at the minute, stupid things I need to stop...but I will, because I know I can, lots of my friends keep saying write a book, not just on what happened, but I do feel there is a big 'hush,hush' over the extremes that some people will go to for sexual gratification, which is what he died from when all the bullshit is cut out... to be 29 to go from one very abusive relationship to another with someone that I feel I didnt know is hard, but I am still here, I am still breathing, and one day I will be able to stand up and help other people work through pain, I have started writing that book, rolled right back to being 17, having my son, that 'man' ....its going to take a long time, but I feel in someway by writing things down I am dealing with my demons....if I could roll things back I would not change my babies for the world, and for that very reason they will ALWAYS remain my focus! One day I will have to look deep into there eyes and tell them the truth, the whole truth and by then I hope I will have beaten ALL my demons and be strong enough to help them with theres....as in truth they have demons, they just havent met them yet and as long as I live & breathe I will never forgive Jon for that...WE DESERVED BETTER!!!

Back to the memories...happy times ...............

these pictures make me smile..they also tug at my heart strings because is rams home to me how much he has left behind in the kids, they are beautiful, amazing little people who he will never watch grow up...such a stupid man!! 

the last rather random picture is my 'wall of inspiration' it keeps on growing! some folk think it looks a mess, but to me each & every thing on that wall has a meaning...a focus....happiness! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

letting go....

Its funny because yesterday one of my facebook statuses read.... and for my next trick.....i am going to let it all out, then say fuck it, no more tears....no ones going to hurt me anymore! .....I have a holiday to pack for! .............. 

I think I took it literally as last night was a total meltdown, and I am not ashamed to admit it! Its going to happen from time to time....but less and less as time goes on until eventually I have nothing left to get angry about! I said stupid things that made people I love worry yesterday, which I meant at the time but I meant them out of anger....I look at my 5 beautiful babies and think its so unfair! but each and everytime I think its so unfair I also think its up to me to fix things, turn unfair upside down and keep them smiling! its is very quickly creeping towards 6 months, half a year...and yes its strange, but out of strange is creeping a happier Linzi again, so I apologise to people who I worried yesterday, in life we all have 'blips' but in all honesty I have alot of reasons to remain breathing, as painful as it gets from time to time, all I need to do is sit and think of all the positives................ 

1. first and foremost my beautiful babies

2. my wonderful amazing friends/family including a very special friend!!! - very lucky girl I am

3. I think the fact that I am still here is a positive as the darker moments where it would have been so easy to just give up haven't defeated me - and no matter what they wont! 

4. we do live in a beautiful place with beautiful beaches and clean fresh air

5. my house is my house....I WILL make it my HOME again...its just going to take time!! 

6.I have learned that trust should be earned, not just given..a harsh lesson but a positive one as it makes me look in the mirror and really think I need to toughen up! 

7. I can drive past the graveyard with the kids in the car now without getting into a blind panic about anyone asking questions - a random positive I know, but I havent taken the kids there, and I wont, which is my choice, my decision and it feels right right now

8. I am planning an amazing summer, new memories, happy memories, lots of smiles, lots and lots and lots of love!!! 

9. may be the bottom of my list but its not the least positive infact its the hardest positive to accept yet the one I really really need to focus on....it is possible to be happy & to be loved without rules, restrictions, constantly feeling your not doing right for doing wrong! ...love unconditionally really does exist! 

10. Life is for living, not for mourning what has passed, thats a positive for me, god only knows there are alot of people who expect me to live my life in black and sit falling apart in a corner, but thats not me, I am choosing to live my life!!!! 

you see BETTER times ahead Linzi....better times!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

reasons to smile..........

I am trying to be more positive,there are alot of people alot worse off than what I am, I have a lot to be thankful for! life throws crap at you so you can focus on getting through, coming out the other side a better, stronger person! I am done with people who only need me when they want something, I am focusing on the people who really do care because I know I love and care for them in return with no conditions, no rules......

I am taking the kids for an adventure tommorow first time I have ever driven so far just me & the kids..I feel nervous but I shall do it!!!! ....
we got through birthday number one....we had an AMAZING party, all down to some amazing people that helped me so much! ....now birthday number two is on tuesday, my only son...hes turning 12......that makes me feel old!!!!!!!

So through all the crap there are lots of positives, keep looking for those rays of sunshine Linzi ..........................

the simple truth............

I am seeming to be having a hard time with this house at the minute, its feels in a sense like a prison I guess...and yes I know how extreme that sounds, but I find myself just feeling trapped..I thought I had come up with a master plan, rent this place then rent a new place with the money, but I cant...it would become a taxable income, I am self employed too so I know it wouldn't work out, so here I stay....my only option is to change the place, knock down walls, re structure, but its so strange, at 29 god only knows I know I am lucky that these walls cannot be taken away, no mortgage, no debts, no nothing...but that's just it, no nothing....no nothing but pain here...so it NEEDS to change, I need to focus.....that's my next step...... accepting that what happened wasn't my fault is another step I need to focus on, that's not so easy...I KNOW I couldn't have changed what I didn't know, but I know I could have changed my decision to stay.....then I get stuck in a vicious circle, I hate me, I blame me, I hate me, I blame me..see! when in truth total truth I found the man I thought was my 'husband' hanging on the back of my bedroom door, in my clothes, with some twisted way of how he had done it, wires, padlocks....how? and you know I keep thinking my clothes? why? padlocks..why? ....and the policeman interviewing me asking me to describe what he was wearing, asking me if that was everything...well it was everything I could allow myself to remember... did I see he was wearing a bra? HE! HE! HE! ....no I didn't see, or at least I didn't register it if i did...so you see that's the TRUTH... the plain simple nitty gritty, the what 'HE'  did, the how 'HE' left me.............I wish people would stop, think & listen TO ME rather than rumours, knock on my door...ask me what HE did, don't spread lies & bullshit, because it was NOT SUICIDE..it was recorded as accidental death, his sick, twisted game was not meant to be a 'way out of a bad marriage' god only knows we had no perfect marriage, who does? he didn't love me, I know that in my heart, I lived that everyday but I still stayed! my choice, for my children....you see everything I do I do with my children's best interest at heart, the decisions I make I never make without considering them first, so now why people are running around banging on there jungle drums..bang this....ITS MY LIFE! MY CHOICES! MY DECISIONS....judge someone else for a change!

pain

it just hurts to think, it hurts to breathe, life just hurts :(

Blame

Blame is a funny word...I sit and think, didn't I show him enough that I loved him, I told him everyday I loved him, I don't know maybe I was trying to convince myself when deep down I knew things where wrong, we didn't have a normal relationship, not that normal is even normal...but you know I can sit and say what I like because hes dead and therefore cannot argue anything, but in truth this blog I guess helps because I can be honest, I can vent and rage, and speak unspoken truths, not meaning to cause pain to anyone but to help me...... I keep thinking we moved here so that we could give a better life to the kids, more freedom, more stability...now its all ripped away! and who do i blame? you want me to be honest? I blame ME! and why? because I SHOULD have had the bottle to go, that first time I should have gone, the second time I should have run for the fucking hills....but I didn't so its my fucking fault I let him hurt us, I cant get that image out of my head, its there, its always going to be there, me slapping him, shouting at him to wake up, stop being stupid is always going to be there, and the fact what he had done was so complex, so thought out, its always going to be there, if it was a rope the knife would have gone through no problem,he was still warm when I touched his skin,he wasn't cold if it was rope maybe he would have survived but on the other hand maybe the last thing he heard was me screaming at him,me slapping him, why the fuck was he doing it??!!??! he must have known if it went wrong A.. i would find him and B..i would be stuck here, I cant get out of this house! I cant sell it and move as I wont be able to buy a 4 bed detached house in a quiet area for what I get for this in a million years!!! I cant realistically rent as there are too many rules/regs I dont understand, so I have to stay here! it feels like a really cruel parting shot! I can dream one day I will win the lottery but its never going to happy, I know the fact that these four walls are mine mortgage free is a really good thing in this day and age, but I would happily run away screaming..infact I nearly have! ....sometimes its hard to breathe, I have let the kids have a total free run since he died and now getting any level of control over the house just isnt happening, I dont have the energy to battle, and to be honest I want the kids smiling and nothing else...but when is it going to get easier? these walls feel suffocating, I cannot sit in the living room on my own in the evenings I just cant do it, which is strange, but the more I think of it when I found him he was the living room side of the door...the bedroom is off the living room, we knocked a wall down just before he died, now I would give anything to have that wall back, seperation, difference...its strange, the kids go to bed, I go to bed, watch utter crap on the telly in the hope I just conk out...its no fun.....why did i not accept that things wern't right? well thats another thing, jon saved me, my life before jon was horrendous, no one should have to live in a refuge with a small child, no one should have a second child through no choice of there own, jon saved me, but now in a cruel twist of fate he has left me trapped in a house I cannot escape! ....why me? I must have been a total bitch in a previous life because I tell you now karma is kicking me like a bitch...just fuck off and leave me alone, give me a break, let me breathe!